Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)
They say you shouldn’t believe in tiers in the Smash Bros games, but let’s face it – they exist. Why else would Fox be the person you turn to on Final Destination, with not a single item to be seen? If you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about, then you’re obviously not up on your Smash Bros. And I wouldn’t blame you, because it’s some pretty competitive, in-depth stuff, and all of that frightens me. It really does! I’m not at all interested in how well Dankey Kang does against Metal Knight on the Pokeymon Stadium level or how good Charmanderzard is at fighting against Browser – none of that means much to me.
I’d much prefer to rate the characters in more practical terms, by assessing how they’d do in a real fight. In particular: how would they do in the classic throwdown that is the pub brawl? You know the ones I mean: a few comments have been taken exception to, a couple of punches are thrown, glasses start to fly and there’s Begbie steaming in early doors.
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Ganpuru: Gunman’s Proof (1997)
Did you know that I was actually once convicted of that much feared crime of college plagiarism? The one that they like to pretend is worse than a chilling murder-rape? It’s actually a true story this time, unlike all of those other ridiculous anecdotes I tell that invariably star me as the hero. The only little detraction from this story I’m about to self-indulgently regale is the fact that I was actually done for self-plagiarism. That’s right – because I submitted two essays for two different modules that had some admittedly similar paragraphs, the Evil Computer flagged me as a big fat plagiarism number and I was summoned for a chat with one of the lecturers in question, who inevitably was Jewish.
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Battletoads in Battlemaniacs (1993)
The word ‘impossible’ has become regarded as such a dirty, negative word that simply entering it into Google Images throws up all kinds of “motivational” images that decry the word. Really? It’s a fine word: it puts a perfect stopper in any unreasonable request that should come your way. Nail the exam results you require while maintaining a dece social life and enough sleep? Impossible! Achieve that fine alcohol equilibrium of being fully confident yet fully in control? Impossible! Keep a hold of your sanity when people make the same ‘could of’, ‘loose’ and ‘you’re/your’ mistakes over and over again? Impossible! Yes, we should strive to better ourselves. And yes, we shouldn’t give up at the outset. But sometimes the odds are simply so insurmountable that you’re well entitled to give the ghastly task coming your way a quick up-and-down look before proudly declaring, “Nup!”
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Marble Madness (1989)
I’m not exactly sure when those stubborn little roundy things called marbles were at the height of their popularity, but as ever, the Wikipedia page on the subject throws up a huge amount of information. Did you know that over 12 million of the little fellas are produced daily? Call me cynical, but I’m sure that even with an automated process, we could put that manpower and raw material into some other, far more worthy venture. Like perhaps the materials involved in making marbles could be used to put a big roof on those sly Icelandic volcanoes. Or maybe they could be used in creating power suits for when those same robots follow Skynet’s example and turn bad – they’re tough enough little objects, after all. Another repository of marble info and goodness, landofmarbles.com, tells us of various “fun” marble games that deprived children can play. The site, well worth checking out for its wonderful GeoCities throwback design, shows us via crude 1980s schoolbook diagrams how to play Puggy, Skelly, Bunhole, and my personal favourite based on its name, Boss-Out.
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