Stick all your money on Wario, he’s a dead cert

Wario Land II (1998 / 1999)

Having not had any kind of proper gambling in my life since I was 18, and even that was a measly forty quid. Although let me tell you, it wasn’t measly at the time, in fact it was about 3 nights out. Don’t times change? But once I lost all the dough in my betting account – they wouldn’t let me withdraw any winnings until I’d provided photo ID, the cheeky snakes – I decided to become all boring and conservative, or at least more boring and conservative than usual, and never gamble again.

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The Student… hold your Form Baton in your right hand, and the box of wine with your left…

WarioWare: Smooth Moves (2007)

I’m fully aware that children may be reading this, so I hate to advocate mind-altering drugs here, but I just want to say that I am thankful to alcohol for many varied reasons. In general, all it’s ever done for me is make me shouty, belligerent, uninhibited, free-spending, giggly, light-headed and stupid. And for all of that, I’ll be forever grateful for its existece.

You see, I know you’ll find this hard to believe but I used to be a dreadful stick in the mud. If ever a moment passed when I wasn’t at the top of my mental game, I would feel embarrassed. Do you know what this left me as? An overly studious, financially conscious bore who wouldn’t have known what a girl was if one came up and… well, not sat on me, but you know what I mean. 

Continue reading “The Student… hold your Form Baton in your right hand, and the box of wine with your left…”

Can the human mind imagine a finer sight than a minted Wario dancing to Layla?

wazzzaland

Wario Land: The Shake Dimension (2008)

What was it Ray Liotta said to sum up Robert De Niro’s character in GoodFellas? “Jimmy was the kind of guy who rooted for the bad guys in the movies.” It’s a beautiful testament, and often it rings true. You may not have always wanted Voldie to get one over Harry Potter and his gormless posse per se, but didn’t you just want one of his followers to give Ginny Weasley a slap at times? We simply don’t want squeaky clean goodies in our mind-rotting works of fiction; we want conflicted types whose character flaws assure us that it’s actually perfectly okay for us to be fat, lazy, stupid and unreliable ourselves.

Continue reading “Can the human mind imagine a finer sight than a minted Wario dancing to Layla?”