Kirby & the Amazing Mirror (2004)
I reckon I picked the wrong time in history to be unphotogenic, you know. Of course I’m arrogant enough to believe I’m a tera-hunk, but it only takes a rogue camera to catch you at your worst and it’s all over, the entire illusion is shattered – it’s ten chins, my hair’s a silvery mess and the gut is hanging right out.
Worse still if you’re photographed alongside somebody who knew where to look and nailed their pose. I’m surrounded by models, experts at getting papped. It got so that I’d dread those social media notifications, where people would snap a single night out using what’d be the olden days equivalent of ten rolls of film. With that many candid photos of you floating around, there was bound to be a few stinkers in there, for the object of your desires to find and cringe at, and for you to gloomily reflect on. After all, you can’t filter every photo to within an inch of its life, can you?
Continue reading “Look in the mirror, fat little marshmallow, and tell me what you see?”
Wario Land 3 (2000)
I never thought it would come to this, but I’m about to have a disagreement, a spat, a set-to, with my main man Wario. I’d always regarded Wario as the ideal role model, especially for young children. Sure, you could try to be like Mario all upstanding and “wholesome”, whatever that even means. But how far will that get you? At some point in your life you’ll recognise that playing by the rules will get you nowhere fast.
Continue reading “There may a time and a place for Wario to recite poetry, but I don’t ever wanna hear it”
Story of Seasons: Friends of Mineral Town (2021)
If you were suddenly transported into the last game world you visited, what would it be and how would you fare? Bit of a kick in the teeth if you’re a big Dark Souls buff, but you might be in your element if the last one you played was Minecraft, specifically a Minecraft world with a playable Pokémon Red, enormous booby angel statues, and no spiders. Actually, why not go one better? Does anyone have a lend of Dead or Alive Xtreme Volleyball 3?
Continue reading “Come on down to Mineral Town (again) and date 12 lucky contestants”
Star Fox Assault (2005)
I’m not a World War II historian – you should generally avoid such people like the plague – but I do at least know that Spitfire pilots tended not to disappoint when it came to fulfilling their duties, and the boys in the Hawker Hurricanes didn’t put up a poor show in front of the Bosh either. But I’m afraid to say that they, along with the much vaunted British Red Arrows, have let us all down.
Continue reading “An Irish Air Show… it was never gonna be an assault on the senses”
Yoshi Topsy-Turvy (2005)
Another advance warning for you this time, I’m about to hit you with some student-level banter, but goodness gracious me, a drinking career is getting tougher and tougher to maintain these days. Of course, I was completely done out of 18 months of social lubrication due to Covid-19, although let’s face it, I was already well over the hill by that stage. And it’s not like I wasn’t practicing the home gargles throughout that period. I’ve always been a strong advocate of that time-honoured money-saving drinking technique.
Continue reading “Who’s that green dragon, propping up the bar, gone all topsy-turvy?”
Castlevania 64 (1999)
So is it true what they say, about comparison being the thief of joy? Maybe, but how else are you gonna get ahead in life? I always had myself down as a not particularly competitive guy, happy enough to be laidback. And yet my quickness to jealousy and my complete inability to be happy for other people’s fortunes can only lead me to conclude that I must always be the best at everything, better than everyone else, and nothing else will do. Ain’t I a stinker?
Continue reading “Horrifying times lie ahead for the vampire hunter who lets himself go”
Paperboy (1985 / 1991)
I’m sorry, but have you used the Internet lately? You go onto a website these days and you’re lucky if you can see any of the content. All the GDPR Suits are in your face with notices asking you for your cookies. What? Those are my cookies, you hungry e-whores, so get your own.
You get the feeling as well that this is something you really should be taking more notice of, like the app permissions on your phone. Click “Accept All” at your peril, because when your credit card details get harvested, milked for quite literally all you’re worth, your financial assailant will be perfectly entitled to point out that you gave them the express permission to do it.
Continue reading “One boy’s brave mission to supply every home on the street with toilet paper”