Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Sonic dies on his arse again!

Sonic the Hedgehog 4 (2010 / 2012)

There area lot of things out there which aren’t worthy of their name, you know. It’s like when you see a tabloid newspaper headline about a footballer involved in underage spitroasting and they mention an “England ace”. You’ve never even heard of this guy, much less seen him have an “ace” performance. But this description generates hate and bile which ultimately is what sells papers.

Or used to sell them, when newspapers had their day in the Sun. Now, thankfully, they are an irrelevance. I’ve bought one newspaper in the last ten years, and that was just to put down on the floor before painting the bedroom. Even if Page 3 still existed, there wouldn’t be much incentive anymore – I’ve got better smut in my front pocket.

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tedious intro, which made me start to worry. But the game recovers well, despite its

Zelda Twilight Princess

Legend of Zelda, The: Twilight Princess (2006)

Who’d be a professional game reviewer? It seems like it’d be jolly good fun, fun enough for me to do in my spare time. The problem, as always, is the legions of online complainers who think they know better. Case in point, the remakes of Pokémon Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald being given a 7.8 by IGN, with a snappy negative bullet point of “too much water”. Maybe that’s correct, but I thought the remakes were excellent. Presumably the nine billion Pokémon fans worldwide though so too, because they’ve been ripping into IGN for that one ever since.

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A future in Bitcoin… I wish I was really feeling it

Xenoblade Chronicles (2011)

So it’s another up, down, will it won’t it ride on the Bitcoin rollercoaster lately, or whatever other cryptocurrency you’re having yourself, and for us losers it’s another hard luck story. If I’d only been a few years older, or a bit more willing to put money into dubious sources, or if only I hadn’t destroyed that old hard-drive under police duress for reasons which cannot be specified – I could have sold one or two of them bitcoins, whatever they are, and made millions off them. Like you wouldn’t have soiled yourself at the prospect of doubling your money to a mere eighty quid.

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The Smash Bros hype is such a trip sometimes

Super Smash Bros. Brawl (2008)

Anyone who’s ever signed up to the rollercoaster of hype knows what they’re getting themselves in for. You’re wishing your life away, waiting for this next big game or film to come out. If you’re particularly masochistic, you might even be hyped up for your wedding day. When the release day is still months away, and when you’re in your quiet, unguarded moments, you’ll revert back to being a child and making yourself almost sick with how much you want this thing – this thing that, in time, will become passé. That is until the next shiny object gets teased and the cycle begins all over again.

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Mega Man goes viral yet again, and there’s still no cream for it

Mega Man 10 (2010)

I understand that internet security is big bucks nowadays, owing to the fact that there is a relative lack of experience and knowledge in the field (what field?), and also because this kind of information and data is important to keep under proverbial wraps. After all, my whole life is on my phone, and I’m sure you’re the same.

If my phone fell into vagabond hands, they could go off and pay for all kinds of contactless purchases, or go onto my social media and put sackable statements against my name. I wouldn’t even mind any of that too much, to be honest, so long as they don’t find where my journal is saved, and they don’t release any of my search history – there’s absolutely no coming back from that.

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Never mind memory lane; how’s about the scrapheap instead?

Mega Man 9 (2008)

Since the missus does be out at work all day and I’m working from home, alone all day, inevitably my mind turns towards sex robots. Are sexbots nearly here? God, but the more I think about them, the more I wonder if I could cope with one. Imagine living in a single bedroom apartment with one? One night, after you’ve had a row with it or it catches you flirting with Alexa, you leave your sexbot (personalised to look like your favourite weathergirl) out on the landing, detuned – or so you think.

But I could just see it bursting through the door at one o’clock in the morning because you programmed it wrong. “Master, would you like some toast for breakfast today?” it asks in a too loud, flat but unmitakably sinister robotic female voice. “G-God, no…” you whimper, clutching the duvet for dear life. 

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The Wii Remote can be many things, but I never knew it could be a glockenspiel

Wii Music

Wii Music (2008)

Never one to miss a bragging opportunity, I can tell you that I was once a well-respected member of a band. Unfortunately it wasn’t the type of band where four unlikely lads come together with whatever instruments they can conjure up, and loudly wail butchered versions of Clash songs from their garage to get the bohemian girls onside.

No, mine was the school band, and I wouldn’t have had a choice anyway – I was conscripted. The band leader was also my teacher, a regimental Kerryman who could never accept you giving it less than 100% for the band. If you weren’t giving it socks when you put your lips behind the tin whistle, he sussed you out straight away, got all ruddy-faced and shouty and asked you what the hell was going on.

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Shellshocked after a stint in the retail trenches – I’m scarred for life

opoona logo

Opoona (2008)

I have walked the path of a million and one other college students who needed to make ends meet but who were too proud or too male to sell their bodies: I took a job in retail. Now I’ll not get all prudish on you – I would’ve had no problem joining the old paid sex circuit. I definitely would have seen myself as having the capacity to rise through the ranks from deeply unsettled newbie sex worker to deadened-eyes, ultra professional, 500 smackers a night starlet. Make a real name for myself, you know. But I remembered how to do a trusty SWOT analysis from my days as an entrepreneur, and that told the real story: since I couldn’t even give it away, let alone sell it for top dollar, I had a crippling strategical weakness to deal with right from the off. It was another dream dashed, and the only financial avenue left to me by that point was retail.

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One of these days, Mario is gonna give me diabetes

500px-SuperMarioGalaxyLogo

Super Mario Galaxy (2007)

As a man of boisterous build, it goes without saying that I need my rubbish food just to keep me going. All these lovely things that I see being restricted by fad diets, you know, carbos or whatever it is, trans fats, saturated fats, fats domino. I need generous amounts of all that stuff just to keep me ticking over. So you can keep your marathons and your ironmans and your abs – it’s behemoth beefburgers, killer kebabs, flatliner fries and even heartstopping hummus for me.

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Skyward Sword got me thrown out of the art gallery

skywardsword

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011)

It’s crazy how the littlest things in life can be the ones that get on top of you the most. As I write, I already know that there’s a plucky wee spider spinning a devil of a web in an unreachable part of my room. My back hair growth shows no signs of letting up despite all the formula I’ve been throwing on it. The peasant-wagon fares are going up again. And it’s gotten to the stage where I don’t think I own a pair of shoes anymore that don’t have at least 2 holes in them, and a crack in the soles for good measure.

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