Month: August 2018

You can’t be a tough guy until you’ve walked a steady pace down Dublin’s Talbot Street

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streets of rage

Streets of Rage (1991) NOTX

When I see tourists around Dublin city I am left dumbfounded. Now, I’m not going to hit you with all the self-loathing and culture cringe that often occurs when someone talks negatively about their country. But what exactly are these tourists doing? If someone asked me for Dublin city recommendations, I could hardly even give them the ideal pub or club to go to, because I don’t know any myself. I do know some great Spars and Subways. A CEX or two. I know some of the bus-stops. I even know where there is a 24 hour library. But what do the Germans and Japanese think to themselves when they come here? Apart from “Das golly-gosh Hilda, this place is sehr expensive.”

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EarthBound is most famous for having a high price and several toilets

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EarthBound (1995)

The SNES was strong on so many fronts: side-scrolling platformers, puzzle games, tournament fighters, action-adventures… of course, if you lived in Europe you were deprived of all RPGs bar the more action-oriented ones. But otherwise SNES players around the world got the chance to play story-driven games like Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy 4 and 6, Super Mario RPG, Lufia and Breath of Fire II. Here in the UK and Ireland we had Mortal Kombat and Super Tennis.

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Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 6)

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Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 6)

The sixth part of our not-at-all hackneyed Super Smash Bros Pub Fight (or “Bar Rammy” or “Saloon Throwdown”) steers us away from the trip-happy, Meta Knight-laden Super Smash Bros. Brawl and tears us kicking and screaming into the world of Super Smash Bros 4… or should I say, for. As in, for Wii U and 3DS, you know? And even Villager and Mega Man couldn’t stop the Wii U from being a catastrophic failure, on par with the Minidisc format.  But not to worry! You can read about their pub exploits in fine detail below:

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Seven years might seem a long time, but try an 18-month delay

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The_Legend_of_Zelda_-_Ocarina_of_Time_(logo)

Legend of Zelda, The: Ocarina of Time (1998)

What a difference seven years makes. If I take a look back at my life seven years ago, it features me sitting in college doing nothing, after which I’d go to the pub or go somewhere to eat, then go home, play some games, harass a few women by text, and do it all again the next day. Now though? I go to work, do little… then go to the pub… somewhere to eat… hmmm, even the harassment still features. So maybe I have to be somewhat less profound here and conclude that, after seven years, nowt has changed for me. Which is just the way I like it.

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Need to rob, oppress and dismember children? I’m your man

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Theme_Park_World

Theme Park World (1999)

Ever the go-getter, my interest was piqued by a recent newspaper ad I came across looking to hire a manager for a theme park. The place was its own island, the Lost Kingdom, and it was dinosaur themed. Of course, I immediately had terrible thoughts of Jurassic Park, in particular the bit where Newman from Seinfeld gets torn up by peacock dinosaurs, having just had his face melted off. I’m a bit of a Newman really, but I thought I’d apply.

Why not? I had nowt to lose, and in any case I was still waiting to hear back on second interviews for several lion taming roles – I had to do something with my degree after all. And wouldn’t you know it, the Theme Park national manager Mr. Wildthroat got back to me almost straight away with a call to interview. Continue reading “Need to rob, oppress and dismember children? I’m your man” →

Wanna know the quickest way to get beaten up on the bus?

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ppt

Puyo Puyo Tetris (2017)

As you lay there in bed at night, not really able to sleep, your thoughts begin to wander. Those idle dreams and ambitions you may have once had, and how they are no longer possible because you’re too old, too slow, and probably too ugly by now. Then you’ll remember some of the great nights out and social occasions you’ve lived, and how they all seemed to dry up at once and nobody was there to warn you about it. Having dented your mood for the night already, you seek just a bit more of that blissful drug called angst.

And, like a low valley drifter wandering his way through a sleepy town before finally, inevitably, hopelessly trudging to the doss house, your mind will eventually settle on reliving the most awfully embarrassing moments to have ever struck your life. Suddenly, you can forget about any sleep. Your teeth begin to itch. Your eyebrows move involuntarily. Your body groans and aches all over and your cheeks begin to redden. What kind of a social disaster are you?!

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Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 5)

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Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 5)

Everyone is here! So goes the tagline for the upcoming Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. So also went the text you got off the below fighters, telling you to hit the pub tonight or suffer a terrible fear of missing out. Unfortunately what they didn’t tell you is that everybody will be kung-fu fighting – or worse, swinging broken bottles at innocent folk like you. Are you a bad enough dude to get out alive? Warning – high, potentially fatal levels of Pokémon content.

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