A future in Bitcoin… I wish I was really feeling it

Xenoblade Chronicles (2011)

So it’s another up, down, will it won’t it ride on the Bitcoin rollercoaster lately, or whatever other cryptocurrency you’re having yourself, and for us losers it’s another hard luck story. If I’d only been a few years older, or a bit more willing to put money into dubious sources, or if only I hadn’t destroyed that old hard-drive under police duress for reasons which cannot be specified – I could have sold one or two of them bitcoins, whatever they are, and made millions off them. Like you wouldn’t have soiled yourself at the prospect of doubling your money to a mere eighty quid.

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This is the next generation, Mega, so get your arse in gear

Mega Man 11 (2018)

Never mind your Top Gears or your Fifth Wheels or your Grand Hoors, I’ve got the only bit of car advice you need – make your next car purchase an automatic. You’ll probably want to make it an electric or hybrid motor too, or at least something that doesn’t completely cackle at the polar ice caps like an evil vaudeville villain tying the dainty demure dame down to the train tracks. If your car doesn’t run on tofu then somewhere, somehow, there’ll be a Green Party policy there to thwart you. I’m all for environmental concern, but I’d rather the holes go in the ozone layer than in my pocket, know what I mean?

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Cardboard teams win cardboard trophies, but there’s no prizes for Yoshi this time

Yoshis Crafted World

Yoshi’s Crafted World (2019)

I’ve been trying to cast my mind back to the moment when I realized that I was never going to be a team player. There’ve been many occasions when I’ve shunned everybody (haven’t we all), but I think I’ve found the watershed moment. It was in either Fourth Class or Fifth Class in school, which will mean nothing to you, but then Year 12 and 8th Grade mean nothing to me either, so we’re even on that score. Just know that we would have been about 12 years old.

It was one of those strange whims that teachers get for whatever reason, that comes completely out of nowhere and is nothing to do with books, which takes me right out of the comfort zone. We were all split up into groups, and we each had ten minutes to turn some cardboard strips and boxes into an articulated lorry that could move. Now you should know, that kind of thing, building something that works, with engineering and levers and axles and physics and God knows what else – that sort of thing is just not for me.

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Last one to play Minecraft is a square!

Minecraft (2011)

Well, I’ve finally done it. It took almost 30 years, and when you multiply that by 365 it equals an awful lot of Mammy dinners, but I’ve finally moved out. I must now survive on my own, do things on my own, and accept the consequences of things I’ve done. These consequences which generally extends to me getting fatter from the snacks I’ve bought all by myself and the portion sizes I give myself. I can’t blame anyone else for anything that goes wrong. Well, strictly speaking that’s not true – it ain’t my fault when the Wi-Fi goes south.

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Trust Tetris to leave you in a crumpled, sweaty mess

Tetris99_2019

Tetris 99 (2019)

The rumours are true – I don’t know how to satisfy a woman. But what my detractors don’t realise is that I actually know something they don’t. As it turns out, there’s no way to keep a woman happy, because they’ll always fall victim to at least one side of the female triangle – they are either hungry, tired, cold, or all three. Through hard-work and perseverance, you can close off two sides, but nailing all three? Forget it. Trust me, this is a triangle that’ll leave you in more pain than a Toblerone that’s been in the fridge for days.

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SquareSoft aren’t clowning around anymore

final fantasy 6

Final Fantasy VI (1994)

It’s not uncommon to want the villain to win, you know. I suppose people might look at you funny if you cheered the bad guys in Schindler’s List or Downfall. But what about Mrs. Doubtfire? They fronted Pierce Brosnan as the homewrecker villain in that one, but what about Mrs. Doubtfire him- or herself? Lying scumbag he was, exposed himself in front of children and everything.

Then he tried to kill the so-called villain via a spicy ensemble specifically designed to attack Pierce’s allergies. Not content with that, he finally goes the whole hog and ruins his ex-wife’s birthday by humiliating her in front of everyone. Christ, it’s no wonder she was reluctant to give him any sort of custody of the kids, until he had a hit-show on his hands and some good dough rolling in. Some bad guys just always win, don’t they?

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A trip back to the wild west, before undergoing the trials of social media

Trials of Mana

Trials of Mana (1995)

If you asked for me twenty years ago, any day of the week or time of the day you would have found me on a Windows Millennium Edition computer, playing emulators using a keyboard, or perhaps watching Love Hina on Winamp through my dialup internet. If not that, then I would have been whiling away my precious preteen hours on AIM and IRC. An absolutely pathetic way to start puberty of course, and yet, would you trade internet nostalgia for the world?

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Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, look where my Chatot was

pokemon_sword_and_shield_logo

Pokémon Sword & Shield (2019)

Many enthusiastic youths fancy themselves as stayers on the quest to become a professional sportspersonmember, but very few make it. The journey to the top takes immense sacrifice, more than a bit of luck, and some God-given talent. A hefty bank account wouldn’t hurt either. Even then, you might still get hacked down before your prime. For every marquee athlete, there’s hundreds who have chanced it all, only to fail and end up with nothing but a hard luck story. Well, that’s not fully true: some of the more fortunate ones might have stolen a peek at a now-famous sportsman’s tackle in the showers, giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

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Nintendo blast open-world gaming’s eardrums with a double-necked Flying V

Breath of the Wild.png

Legend of Zelda, The: Breath of the Wild (2017)

Can a man get away with crying? Especially in front of his girlfriend. Men are often being told they should feel able to open up about their emotions, but I wonder. Am I now emasculated for life? Forever to be dismissed as a blubbing wreck with no bottle? Will even the children point and laugh at me? I’ll have to buy a muscle-suit and wear it at all times just to counteract that event, maybe with three smokes in my mouth too.

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It doesn’t matter if I fire blanks, I’ll still miss

doom

Doom (1993)

Up until now, I’ve always felt somewhat unqualified to talk about shooter games. Yes, I was able to write about Perfect Dark, but that was moreso because the protagonist is a lady. And I know quite a bit about ladies, having tipped my fedora towards many in my time. I’ve also gotten up to some other pretty manly pursuits, like flying planes and bombing it around in go-karts and doing arts and crafts. What I had never done before, however, was fire a gun.

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