Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)
They say you shouldn’t believe in tiers in the Smash Bros games, but let’s face it – they exist. Why else would Fox be the person you turn to on Final Destination, with not a single item to be seen? If you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about, then you’re obviously not up on your Smash Bros. And I wouldn’t blame you, because it’s some pretty competitive, in-depth stuff, and all of that frightens me. It really does! I’m not at all interested in how well Dankey Kang does against Metal Knight on the Pokeymon Stadium level or how good Charmanderzard is at fighting against Browser – none of that means much to me.
I’d much prefer to rate the characters in more practical terms, by assessing how they’d do in a real fight. In particular: how would they do in the classic throwdown that is the pub brawl? You know the ones I mean: a few comments have been taken exception to, a couple of punches are thrown, glasses start to fly and there’s Begbie steaming in early doors.
Not that it actually matters, since this list is a little bit flippant, but we’ll only be judging the characters by the movesets they have in the Smash Bros games, rather than the insanity and madness they can get up to in their respective games. One of the other rules is that we won’t be considering the use of their Final Smash moves, although obviously it won’t take me long to break both of these rules.
We’ll be looking specifically at how your chances look of getting out with your face intact, if you’re being backed up by these fighters after having accompanied them for a few light ales. Obviously your poor fighting ability is hardly going to be considered here. And without further ado…
The original Smasher, the standard that every other character is based off. Mr. Average, right? Not so! The first and foremost thing to know about Mario, in terms of pub scraps, is that he likes to wield fire. They may only be little fireballs that he throws out with his hands, but if one of them should spark the more dubious spirits and whiskeys, the whole place will be ablaze. And this is kind of bad for you both, because that fire is gonna spread quickly, and you’ll probably be also-rans in the mad dash for the exit that ensues. Take a moment to visualise your favourite bar and nightclub, and even your favourite spot to sit or stand in these places. Now imagine a wildfire broke out, and how you’d get to the exits. You’d be right up the creek, wouldn’t you? You’d need a lethal mixture of speed and strength to get out past the raging stampede – and if you’re young, female or both, you can forget the old “women and children” mantra. So Mario may score an own goal early doors, but if you can dissuade him from using his fiery gifts, he’s a competent enough partner. He can kick, punch, reflect thrown beer bottles with his cape… He can even bring out the obnoxious FLUDD device from Super Mario Sunshine, which can see great use as an anti-malcontent water cannon. You can do a lot worse than Mario alongside you in combat. He may, however, just use his immense jumping ability to skip past the bottom feeders and exit stage left. He’s not as nice as he appears!
2. DONKEY KONG
Seems like a useful companion to have – immense power, and if gorillas are anything like dogs, they’re probably fairly loyal, right? Wrong! Dead, dead wrong. Donkey Kong will immediately betray you, as apes tend to do to humans (you’ll have seen the films), fend for himself and punch his way through the bar, leaving you for dead. Not so bad, since it means you might just have a clear run to the exit (who wants to be a hero?). But DK is just as likely to go berserk at the first sign of trouble and start monkey-loafing you instead. If you could somehow coax him into dragging your limp body across the bar floor like he does with Little Mac in Punch-Out Wii, then maybe you could find yourself indebted to Donkey Kong.
Going out on the pull with the adult form of Link always ends up being a bit of a double-edged sword, and that’s a pun well intended. Almost immediately, all of the yatties in the pub will be throwing appraising looks in your direction, but they sure won’t be at you. From his flowing golden locks, to his Peter Pan-esque tunic (which, crucially for the aforementioned yatties, he’s attractive enough to not look absolutely ridiculous in) to his lengthy… blade, he’s never short on attention. But then when some of the more extroverted women come over and strike the first blow, they find that this strapping pointy-eared man is incapable of any speech beyond throaty grunts and yells. Bad news for the yatties – but good news for you in a pub fight, because a few war cries carry a long way when the punches start flying. Not to mention his legendary Master Sword (or even the Biggoron Sword if he decides to dress up), an arsenal of Bombs, a Bow & Arrows, a Hookshot to carry you both out, and more. And he won’t once complain about carrying your sorry ass through it all – because he can’t. This top man is a top choice!
Samus is certainly used to attracting looks – and that’s the truth even when she’s in her almighty Power Suit. People will have been giggling about you sat in the corner with some sort of red and yellow Robocop with feminine eyes under the visor. They’ll wonder why this Iron Woman has massive shoulderpads and why she keeps turning into a ball and rolling un-self-consciously into the ladies room every so often. Whatever about all that, when the pub fight starts, Samus will already be about 5 steps ahead of everyone else. Dashing and strafing about, freezing oncoming foes with the Ice Beam, then frying them with the Plasma Beam, firing off Seeker Missiles and then Space Jumping and Screw Attacking outta there. It’s just a pity there’s no Smash Balls about, because that all-powerful Zero Laser would be just the ticket to get rid of the array of violent assailants.
Actually not a bad bet to have by your side, if even for his sheer versatility. First of all, if you prefer to forego the formalities of getting your head weaved into the bar counter, you can simply hop on Yoshi’s back and take a ride out of the place. He can move at a fair old clip, jump high enough and even flutter in the air to keep away from all of the malfeasance taking place on ground level. He’s not exactly durable though, and if you’re on Yoshi’s back and he takes a hit, there may be a chance that you’ll become enveloped in a bubble and drift away, shrilly crying like a crazed baby. It sounds unlikely, but believe me, there’s a chance. Offensively, he has a range of moves: throwing eggs, turning himself into an egg, turning others into eggs… it’s all eggs with this lad. But the question is there to be asked: is there anything worse, more aggravating, than being egged? Yoshi has a good chance of seriously ticking off the biggest, burliest bruisers in the pub, which could spell your collective doom. If I was out on the tear with Yoshi, I’d take my chances at trying to hrrrrrrrrrrn towards the nearest exit, if I were you.
Well, we know that Kirby’s main selling point is his fantastic ability to inhale foes, copy their abilities and unceremoniously spit them right back out in a ball of marshmallow saliva. Useful when you’re up against your Mewtwos and your Captain Falcons and your Olimars, not so hot against your hard-nuts, your bruisers and your nutters. Add to that Kirby’s skin, which I believe to be some sort of marshmallow and latex balloon mixture (I know this, being a keen Kirby watcher), is hardly going to stand up to punishment. Another of Kirby’s greatest tricks is to puff himself up into some class of balloon and puff his way through the air, above everybody else. The problem? All it would take is one sharp object to be thrown at him and Kirby would go puffing about the place like a burst balloon, leaving you standing in the middle of it all looking silly. His hammer might score some points, but there’s not much else beyond that.
Smash Balls aren’t being considered for this list and anyway they don’t tend to be commonplace in pubs. Even if they were, you could hit the bugger a hundred times only for some undeserving prat to get that vital last hit that grants him the Smash Ball. And even if you DID get the Smash Ball, the softest bloke in the pub is capable of knocking it out of you with a light tap, just like the Smash Bros AI do – you know what I’m talking about. All of this is a pity, since calling in a massive, structurally-unsound tank would be a bit of a help in a desperate situation like the one you find yourself in. But you needn’t worry, because Fox has enough tricks to make tanks almost unnecessary. He’s got a laser blaster, a reflector to repel broken bottles, he can move and kick like the wind, and he can launch both of you to safety in a blast of fire. He’s gallant too, so you know he won’t leave you behind – after all, he even had the genuine opportunity to write Slippy Toad off as an ‘unavoidable casualty’ and neglected to do so. That’s the kind of man… er, fox, you need alongside you. He probably won’t even be drunk either, preferring to drink tea. Snap him up!
You remember how Ash’s little Pikachu in the anime was damn near unbeatable? That Pokémon species with one of the worst Defence stats around, you know the one? Yeah, don’t expect your run of the mill Pikachu to do you many favours in the middle of a pub pagger. Yes, it has great command of lightning attacks, but since Thunder in the Smash Bros. games can’t even penetrate a thin platform, what makes you think it’ll break through a lead-reinforced asbestos-ridden pub roof? You’re left with annoying little shocks and Skull Bashes, which ain’t much help either. There aren’t much more irritating things than getting wee electric shocks – worse still, this treacherous little ferret is just gonna be throwing electricity out willy-nilly, so you’re probably on for a few shocks yourself. About the most Pikachu will do for you is serve to irk the tougher lads in the pub who dislike the electric currents your ally’s running down their back. Drown the rat before he gets you killed.
To Be Continued!