Fire Emblem Awakening

Fire Emblem Awakening (2013)

I saw a chart the other day that suggested that as of 2018, almost 40% of people met their partners online, up from the loony 0.1% from 1990. Of course this has taken a chunk out of the figures for people meeting through friends, a figure which has declined to 20% and is still plummeting. This is a bit of a shame for me, as I’ve always seemed to have a knack for matchmaking. There seemed to be a time when I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride, setting up relationships but never getting an old consolation snog myself, a sort of sweetener for the deal. Don’t they say that the art of good business is being a good middleman? That’s where the returns are, or so you’d think.

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Persona 5

Persona 5

I’ve never been in much doubt about why I cannot talk to women. It’s not difficult to tell either – even if I can get any of the words out, I usually blow things almost immediately by looking down their top in the first five seconds. I’ll give away an open secret among men here, for women to observe – when a man looks down your top, they’ll quickly avert their gaze to the left and then cock their head in that direction. But there’s nothing wrong with a look, right? It’s only when we ask to weigh your breasts or try to bet you a fiver that you can’t touch your elbows behind your back when you have to be worried.

In the first instance, I have no sisters at home. In a strange sort of way, I was always a bit disappointed with that, I’d have liked a sister. I’d probably only end up eating my words though, by all accounts there is no greater wind-up merchant in the world than a sister. That’s just genetics and chance though – the second thing that threatened (but in no way put paid to) my status as a ladies man was that I only ever went to boys schools. Our schools were still under the old catholic stranglehold back then. I only darken the door of God’s house these days for funerals, because there ain’t many weddings going on, I can tell you that. But back then, I was in there singing and looking around for wehn to kneel, stand or give money more times than there were apostles. Since I wasn’t one of the unlucky ones, I wasn’t an altar boy, so the only bad treatment the church gave me was the bland communion bread – which didn’t taste a bit like ice cream, no matter how many times Dean Anderson tried to convince me it did. The girls in the convent school up the road, i believe, had to see some grisly abortion images courtesy of that most evil of all lifeforms, nuns, and when the inevitable few teen pregnancies occurred, well, forget about excommunication, they simply became unpersons. That was when the church had significant power in ireland, enough clout to vehemently oppose and keep down, in no particular order – contraception, divorce, gay marriage, abortion. That gave them a right few nails in their coffin, which wasn’t enough to keep Christ down, but that’s by the by. All I knew is that spending all of your adolescent years and even prepubescent years surrounded by hundreds of other boys was no fun, even if it led to a severe overrating of the few young female teachers there were- now you can’t move for the dolly birds. Anytime a girl ever did crop up in the school, often begrudgingly and on some sort of not very sexy extra curricular activity. Those were my days in schools, and if not for masturbation, I’d have had to go off and attack animals or something as an outlet instead.

What kind of school life is that? The best days of your life, psshaw. Maybe in Japan they are, where predictably the uniforms are fetishied worldwide, and school is great because once it’s over, an awful working life awaits. For all we know, we have the most accurate Japanese school simulator in the world in the completely off the wall Persona 5 for PS4. 

There are some games that i feel barely qualified to talk about, and persona 5 is one of them. Have you ever dealt with a game, or a movie or a car or a pair of shoes, that were so cool and slick that you didn’t really know where to begin? Like grandpa simpson, you suddenly weren’t with it. But then a game like persona 5 is very heavily anime, so how can it be cool? Cool anime is a contradiction in terms. 

Keep your chin up and maintain your radiance, even as the job market Crits you

Fie Emblem: Path of Radiance (2005)

We’re at that time again, fellow lemmings, time that I left my job to get a new one. For a start, I can tell you that I’ve never subscribed to this whole theory of never leaving a job unless you’ve something else lined up. I suppose there’s that mature fear where you’ll turn out to be a wee bit less of a tantalising prospect than you had thought, which is always a hefty blow for any man or indeed woman.

But you can’t tell me that you just become immediately unemployable on the Friday afternoon that you finish up. The last job I left, no sooner had I given a fairly rubbish speech than I was out the door and in a car, booting to the airport for a drunken weekend in one of my favourite cities, Liverpool. When I got home on the Sunday, I was able to sleep through the Monday while the other plankton had to go to work. It was great – I felt like Ferris Bueller.

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Bayonetta (2010)

I sometimes have to ask what’s wrong with the internet. Can’t a man pirate music, movies and games in peace without having to get through dozens of porn ads? It’s not that pornography is any kind of new phenomenon; there are Ancient Greek murals that give a delightfully Hellenic portrait of man and woman in carnal harmony, and I have to suppose, man and man as well. In fact, if you get the chance, I highly recommend you to check out what they have on the island of Lesbos. Still earlier, you could probably go to the Stone Age caves and find a crude insect-blood drawing of a cavewoman with comeda breasts included.

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Wii Sports

Wii Sports (2006)

They always manage to get you, do advertisers. We think of advertisers as snake oil salesmen, wearing suits that almost shine. A lot of them tend to look incredibly young, perhaps on a Patrick Bateman morning routing, except their demeanour is almost impossibly sleazy. Still, some of them prove incredibly adept at delving into your psyche and, crucially, making away with your hard earned cash. Think of a younger, much less foul-mouthed Ricky Roma and you’ll get near to the stereotype.

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Debutant Roy is the boy amongst men

Fire Emblem: The Binding Blade (2002)

I’ve been thinking about some notable debuts lately, and there are a lot more dreadful ones than blistering ones. Take some from the world of sport for example, and spare a thought for poor (x driver) in formula 1 who’s career lasted an astonishing x metres before his car gave up the ghost, and his employers subsequently gave up on him. X metres, hardly even worth a tug is it?

I also get great gas out of footballer Jonathan Woodgate’s long awaited debut for Real Madrid, which culminated in at least one own goal and then a red card for good measure, and I should imagine several injuries thereafter.

There’s always millions of eyes on the debut of each James Bond actor, and in many cases the actor doesn’t go onto ever better their first 007 film, although in old George Lazenby’s case his debut happened to also be his denouement. But hey, at least history vindicated him, and he packed a lot of canon and lore into 2 hours. And when the nerds do up their big score, that shall surely make the difference.

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Everyone’s got a plan until they get mauled by the bear

Banjo-Kazooie (1998)

Do you plan everything in your life? I certainly don’t. Life is at its most fun when it’s unplanned, spontaneous. I truly believe this can be applied to all facets of life. You may have found yourself holidaying with some awful people who try to plan everything to the letter. Distressingly, they bring in the use of something called an itinerary. I know, sounds like something for itinerants, but it’s worse than that. At 10 AM, we do this, at 12 noon we do that, it’ll involve walking 100 kilometres a day and if you wanna sit down and rest your little booties, forget it.

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If you’ve got nothing nice to say… maybe die and never come back?

Kid Icarus: Uprising (2012)

I want you to dispense with any good mood you may have had, and try to think about the people who annoy you most in your day-to-day life. For my own example, I’m frequently aggravated to the point of gnashing and grinding of teeth on the bus when I share a deck with this guy who phones other people all the time, and I do mean all the time. I’m serious, this cllown must go through his contacts list, whoever was idiotic enough to give their number to him anyway.

I could almost handle it if the conversations had any juice in them at all – I love to eavesdrop on recently released criminals who I also share a bus with, because when they’re talking about peope getting filled in with hacksaws then you cannot help but take notice. But this telephonic bete noire of mine just talks athe most mundane rubbish about his day to anybody. It’s not like he’s a doddery old fool either, he can’t be that much older than me – and before you laugh, I ain’t doddery, not yet, actually, what was the question again?

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Burkey’s waiting patiently for a Pokémon game where you don’t have to talk to anyone

Pokémon Sun and Moon (2016)

No psychiatrist has ever managed to catch me and pin me to their long sofa yet, and if I valued my continued liberty to live my life outside of an asylum, then I’d better keep it that way. I will give you one psychological nugget (surprisingly not the best type of nugget out there) though. Not because I’m terribly arrogant enough to believe you really care what’s going on in my head, not at all. It’s just to give the police a bit of a clue if ever I’m wanted for murder.

Simply put, I am introverted to an incredible degree. Anyone with any level of introversion will recognise at once the idea of recharging one’s batteries after social interactions. Being introverted doesn’t mean you have to be a shrinking wallflower, a strong and silent type or even, God forbid, a boring prat. You can be the life and soul of the party if you like, but you better believe you’ll need that recharge period, that blessed bit of alone time when it comes.

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