And now for something completely different, something that readers outside of the UK, Ireland and possibly Australia will probably look at with mild confusion and hurtful disbelief. I watch soaps. I sometimes think I’m ill-advised to jump into soap discussion alongside mature women, but it’s something to talk about, right? The show just always goes on with soaps, and the lure of watching the mundane on television seems to be incredibly strong for humans – see Big Brother, Jersey Shore and its derivatives for other depressing examples.

Actually, is there really that much mundane about soap operas these days? Shown well before the watershed, you can expect to see arson with murderous intent, rape, adultery, prostitution, drug abuse and addiction, rampant alcoholism and at least an evens chance of a raucous pub fight. As for some of the stuff Brookside used to throw up… well actually, all I’ve got to say there is that bombs going off in nightclubs and house raids by gun-toting mad Scousers was pretty amazing viewing back then, just as it would be now.

Yes, it’s usually all happening in soaps. And since episodes of these programmes have to be cranked out for at least four slots a week, there’s an awful lot of economical direction and acting involved, giving rise to those odd little moments that you only ever see in soaps. Here are some of the most common cliches of my guiltiest pleasure that you’ll find cropping up time and time again in multiple soaps.

Obviously my attacks on soap quality below are light-hearted, because I eat them up like a mommy’s-teat-sucking ponce. Christ though, it does read pretty sexist and misogynistic at times. Sorry to all wimmen.

Continue reading “Soap Cliches” →