Pokemon Sun & Moon

Pokémon Sun and Moon (2016)

No psychiatrist has ever managed to catch me and pin me to their long sofa yet, and if I valued my continued liberty to live outside of an asylum that I’d better keep it that way. I will give you one psychological nugget (surprisingly _not_ the best type of nugget) though, not because I’m terribly arrogant enough to believe you really care, but just to give the police a bit of a clue if ever I’m wanted for murder – I am introverted to an incredible degree.

Anyone with any level of introversion will recognise at once the idea of recharging after social interactions. Being introverted doesn’t mean you have to be a shrinking wallflower, a strong silent type or even, God forbid, a boring prat. You can be the life and soul of the party if you like, but you better believe you’ll need that recharge period, that blessed bit of alone time when it comes.

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Fire Emblem Thracia 776

Fire Emblem: Thracia 776

Unfortunately it’s true what they say, you know – one day you become a little bit tired and you never recover from it. It seems to happen in and around the time when you know you won’t be able to do the long nights out anymore. Your bones finally creak in protest, your brain refuses to go at full power, and every muscle in your body is saying no, that’s your lot, we’ve had enough. Your body has gone on fatigue strike.

I can’t have been too surprised about it. I see sleep as some sort of effrontery against me, a challenge that I need to overcome. Unprofitable, uncreative hours spend doing nothing, in bed? I’ll save them for the hangover, but each and every day, no thank you. So I might only have 5 hours of sleep, 4 on a schoolnight. Perhaps predictably, this has given me suitcases under my eyes, a ski slope forehead, bundles of grey hair and the realisation that I’m never going to get back to 100% condition again. Christ, I’m 30 and I’m knackered.

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Building the Best Pokémon Team (Part 22)

Oh me, oh my, we’re getting into the Sinnoh Legendary Pokémon now, where even if I became a Rap God it’d still take me all year to get through. I beg only 10 or 15 minutes of your time today to at least get started on… if you’ll let me check my notes… the Lake Trio. I suppose it’s better to start wit hteh inoffensive before getting righ tdown to the dream destroyers and time purloiners.

I’d better keep it in my pants though – no, Cynthia hasn’t just walked in with a sort of “where’s Burkey” expressiono on her face, but we need to finish off some new evolutions to old Pokémon first. I know, I know, I’m as sick of them as you are, but don’t worry, I’m sure they can’t all be as bad as Rhyperior.

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Ask Snake to get you tartan paint, rubber nails or a Diet Guinness and see how he does

Metal Gear (1987) (NES)

I’ll tell you what’s an underrated feeling, and that’s the feeling of being comfortable and settled in your job. I’m going to impart some employment wisdom to you here, although you probably ought to keep in mind that I was once the most unemployable man in Ireland, and anytime I touch a computer I seem to trash it somehow.

Firstly, it seems to be a pretty established fact now that if you want to maximise your career earnings, you need to leave your job every 1.5 or 2 years – the increases you’ll get as starting wages elsewhere will far outstrip whatever raises your current employers will give you.

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The Power Glove is for sex offenders, while Super Mario Bros. 3 is better than sex

Super Mario Bros 3 Proper

Super Mario Bros 3 (1991)

I would have said that Super Mario Bros. 3 needs no introduction, but it’s important to note that the game got a pretty massive, in-your-face one in the guise of an entire motion picture called The Wizard. It came out in 1989 and starred young Fred Savage, and it was a sort of mix of Rainman and Stranger Things, with your typical Stand by Me format of kids venturing across Podunk America and evading the misunderstanding adults.

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They should’ve got Danny DeVito to play Toad, but the problems don’t end there

Super Mario Bros Movie

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

I won’t waste your time giving you chapter and verse all about the Super Mario series. If you somehow don’t know what it’s all about, I can only offer my sympathies. You must have been an unfortunate child soldier, and maybe a film based on Call of Duty would be more your level. But if your youth was happier, then you’ll know all about the Mario jumpy-jumping, Goomba-stomping, coin-collecting palaver. And, assuming you’re not completely bereft of flair, you will recognise the classic theme tune at once.

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Modern cinema… you will never find a more wretched hive of superhero films and unnecessary remakes

superstarwarslogored

Super Star Wars (1993)

It’s strange for me to admit, as a man who loves films, but I don’t bother with the cinema anymore. I’ve only been to the cinema three times in the last seven years, and that was to see three Star Wars films, Episodes 7, 8 and 9. That’s the God’s honest. It’s not even the cost associated with going either – yes, I’m a tight sod and I’d even pick up copper coins if I dropped them on the ground, but a tenner or fifteen quid for a cinema ticket is fine. I don’t tend to go in for the truck container of popcorn or the vat of Coca-Cola either, which cuts costs bigly.

No, the thing that stops me from going to the cinema is that sitting in a darkened room watching a screen for a couple of hours will just send me to sleep. Also, the last time I burst open a tinny during the film some of the parents looked at me funny. That happened to me while going to see Toy Story 3, so I wasn’t going to repeat that for Toy Story 4. 

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Charming the collar off Eva Gabor? That’s pure O’Malley, baby

aristocats logo 2

The Aristocats (1970)

It’s been a couple of years since I had the urge to order vol-au-vents, aubergine, café au lait and escargots as my entrée ensemble, but believe it or not, I speak good French. Or at least, I used to. It’s funny this, but having spent seven years plus change (plus ça change?) learning French, I can do a lot more with it than I can with the Irish language, which non-dunderhead kids are made to sit through for around 13 years in school.

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Burkey’s a wild card, flies by the seat of his pants. Totally unpredictable

TOP GUN LOGO

Top Gun NES (1987)

I already outlined various reasons why I could never really cut it as a jet fighter pilot, and it’s not like I’ve suddenly developed perfect eyesight or sufficient backbone to get into the dreaded Helo Dunker. Those guys want near-perfect vision that’s uncorrected, so even if I did get them lasered, I wouldn’t be allowed in. But how could they possibly know? I would try to risk it, but I’d be afraid of getting caught and then Mr. Strickland would chew on my ass.

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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a spinning roundhouse kick

FatalDeviation

Fatal Deviation (1998)

When it came time for me to watch Fatal Deviation, it was obvious that a Blu-Ray, a DVD or even a dirty, corrupted old Betamax tape wasn’t exactly going to be available. Naturally I took a quick visit to a certain bay, which is usually my last resort (honest). But it wasn’t even available there either. And obviously, since there are approximately six films total on Netflix, and even those guys appear to have some sort of standards on what gets shown, this film wasn’t going to be found there. No, Fatal Deviation is what you’d call a YouTube-tier film, and there it was – Ireland’s first and last kung fu movie.

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