Red Dead Redemption 2 (2018)
I was half-watching this Western film on the telly the other day – apologies, I never got the name of it – and in it the well-hung main cowboy strolls on in to the saloon, orders a full bottle of whiskey and downs the whole thing in one, right there and then. And they say films these days are too unrealistic. He grabs plenty of attention with this stunt of course, and the net result of it all is the usual step outside, guns drawn, bury me with my money type of affair. And I’m thinking, God, how cheap was life back then?
Continue reading “It’s like downing a bottle of whiskey, but a hundred times as tedious”
Mario Kart: Double Dash!! (2003)
“OK, class, get into groups of 3 or 4” – words from a teacher more fearsome than the usual guff they give you. I didn’t mind being told by the teacher that I had detention, or that I was to see them after class, or that the lock on the boy’s changing room was double-bolted and I could scream as loud as I liked because nobody was coming to help me. But teamwork? Find a group of people willing to come together and work in harmony? Leave it out. It’s always a dreadful affair – if the teacher places you into random groups, you could be put alongside a group of drongos, or worse still, ambitious people who are hunting to get an A+. And they’ll get that goddam A+ if it means slitting your throat from ear to ear.
Continue reading “Between group projects and cuck fantasies, I know which one I’d take”
Building the Best Pokémon Team (Part 5)
If you haven’t already put your best six Kanto hardnuts together, a team tough enough to take the region by storm and literally impress the knickers off Lorelei from the Elite Four, then you’re quickly running out of options. The below list of Pokémon awaiting judgment and possible selection for your team takes us through the eons, quite literally in fact. This week’s list features Magikarps, Magmars and mantises. And it’s book-ended by a mime and a… dodecahedron. Only in Pokémon.
Continue reading “Building the Best Pokémon Team (Part 5)”
Tales of Symphonia (2004)
I’m sure that this is one of those nostalgic things that everyone can legitimately try to claim for themselves, but I reckon I could easily be justified in saying that the 90s was the Golden Age for cartoons – even ahead of the mighty 80s and whenever it was that Catch the Pigeon first aired. Then, at any given time, you could find the best voice artists in ‘the business’ strutting their vocal stuff for the kids too “sick” to go to school and for the unemployed kids-at-heart to enjoy.
Continue reading “If you can do a good baby voice, you’ll get invited to the voice acting orgy”
Hatoful Boyfriend (2015)
Every now and then a game comes along so deviant that your conscience urges you not to play it. It is something that your super-ego won’t ever forgive you for. If you put Cho Aniki or Senran Kagura into your console and load it up, right then and there you are voluntarily flagging yourself for the FBI, the NSA, the MIB, and all sorts. It won’t be too much longer until the Facebook rabble catch wind of your transgressions against societal morality, and then it’s trial by social media for you. And of course, such trials are unwinnable. You are finished, your reputation left completely destroyed, you will be egged anywhere you go, children will scream at the sight of you, and even your mother will stop inviting you round for tea.
Continue reading “I tried to date pigeons so you wouldn’t have to”