Category: Kirby

Kirby spares us the embarrassment – he may be officially cool now

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Kirby and the Forgotten Land (2022)

It’s a cringe-inducing sight, the type of cringe that makes your entire face fold in on itself as you purse your lips, blow out hard and then grimace. You just cannot believe what you’re seeing, that this embarrassing sight could be allowed to unfold and indeed that nobody stopped this person before now.

You’re desperate to say something, anything, that might alleviate the tension, but you know that it will only make things worse. So all you can do is try to ignore it, pretend it’s not happening, while simultaneously not being able to keep your eyes off the whole grisly affair. I tried to hold my head at a 90 degree angle, glaring directly at the pavement, but still my eyes got drawn upwards and there it was, the source of so much public discomfort – a gentleman walking his cat.

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Look in the mirror, fat little marshmallow, and tell me what you see?

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Kirby & the Amazing Mirror (2004)

I reckon I picked the wrong time in history to be unphotogenic, you know. Of course I’m arrogant enough to believe I’m a tera-hunk, but it only takes a rogue camera to catch you at your worst and it’s all over, the entire illusion is shattered – it’s ten chins, my hair’s a silvery mess and the gut is hanging right out.

Worse still if you’re photographed alongside somebody who knew where to look and nailed their pose. I’m surrounded by models, experts at getting papped. It got so that I’d dread those social media notifications, where people would snap a single night out using what’d be the olden days equivalent of ten rolls of film. With that many candid photos of you floating around, there was bound to be a few stinkers in there, for the object of your desires to find and cringe at, and for you to gloomily reflect on. After all, you can’t filter every photo to within an inch of its life, can you?

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Kirby gives the Nintendo 64 an Irish Goodbye

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Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards (2001)

What’s your drink choice, then? I’m including teetotallers in this, not that I meet many, but one’s drink choice often says a lot about one’s personality. And I’ve gone through a good number of drink combinations in my time. Right from the off, as in when I was a very small child, it was full fat Coca-Cola day and night. Isn’t that desperate? Lord knows what the tooth fairy must have made of it. I wouldn’t even give full fat Coke to a thirsty dog these days.

No, for soft drinks I seem to favour Coke Zero, and by “favour” I mean I could drink three or four cans of the stuff a day without slowing down. When the fitness regime comes back around, as it does for a few weeks every year, then I do try to cut down. I hardly think it’s any much healthier than regular Coke either, but the calorie count can’t be beat.

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Can Burkey end world hunger and keep the Ivy open in 1,300 words?

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Kirby’s Dream Land 2 (1995)

Reports indicate that the sit-down restaurant trade finds itself facing difficulties in staying viable, owing to fast-food deliveries, prices, and greater interest in home cooking. We all want to be viable, don’t we? But this sounds like pretty grim stuff. Not to worry though, you know me as a problem solver, don’t you? Therefore I’ll present my ideas to shake up the restaurateur industry, and I’ll even sort out world hunger in the process.

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Get in Kirby’s belly and enjoy the gastronomic ride, while it lasts

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Kirby’s Dream Land (1992)

We all like a big feed of unhealthy food, don’t we? Well, have you ever eaten so much junk food all at once that all of the grease begins to coagulate, and you actually have to clear your throat? I wouldn’t be surprised if that was just me, because I’m just gonna say it now: if I wasn’t so ruddy health-conscious, and such a strict adherer to my fitness regime, I honestly think I could defeat any food challenge you throw at me.

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Will the little pink blob eat up all your time, or is he too late for that?

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Kirby’s Adventure (1993)

I have decided that I’m not going to be late for anything anymore. I know, I know, it sounds quite impressive but you may hold your applause. Don’t think that I’ve turned over a new leaf or anything weak like that. I’m not suddenly going to become the best timekeeper in the world, nor am I going to win half the battle of adult life by turning up to places on time. I just mean that I’m going to live my life like that Gandalf fella.

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