Probotector/Contra

Probotector_(1990)_Logo

Probotector/Contra (1990)

Most males get made to feel inadequate a lot of times in our lives. We all clamber to try and be alpha, of course, but there are those occasions where you’re comprehensively made to look absolutely feeble. Puny. It can happen to us from a young age too – while all the other young boys my age marvelled at how Arnold Schwarzenegger resembled a condom stuffed with conkers, I looked at this Austrian adonis and thought, “Christ, I’m gonna have a job looking like that when puberty hits”.

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Illusion of Time

illusion of time

Illusion of Time (1995)

How do you know when somebody’s gone to see some wondrous tourist landmark? They tell you about it immediately and without prompt. If not to your face, then by way of a dozen distinctly amateur social media photos per decrepit building. No sooner will somebody have been to the Eiffel Tower than they’ll have scored dozens of Likes and Favourites and Retweets or whatever else from a tap-in of a scene, a real freebie to photograph and make social media currency off. And no sooner have they visited the Grand Canyon than their dung-eating grins become twice as wide as the Canyon itself, while they self-indulgently regale you with facts that they made sure to Wiki beforehand.

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Opoona

opoona logo

Opoona (2008)

I have walked the path of a million and one other college students who needed to make ends meet but who were too proud or too male to sell their bodies: I took a job in retail. Now I’ll not get all prudish on you – I would’ve had no problem joining the old paid sex circuit. I definitely would have seen myself as having the capacity to rise through the ranks from deeply unsettled newbie sex worker to deadened-eyes, ultra professional, 500 smackers a night starlet. Make a real name for myself, you know. But I remembered how to do a trusty SWOT analysis from my days as an entrepreneur, and that told the real story: since I couldn’t even give it away, let alone sell it for top dollar, I had a crippling strategical weakness to deal with right from the off. It was another dream dashed, and the only financial avenue left to me by that point was retail.

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