Yoshi’s Story (1998)
I’ve got to come clean with you today – I’m a no good criminal. Actually, I’m no stranger to breaking the law: I’ve pirated just about every form of media you can think of. I’ve even got Virtual Boy ROMs on my computer, for heaven’s sake. I’ve downloaded – and watched – Mean Girls and The Notebook. I’m not sure if you want to know any more about my depraved downloading habits, but one thing I’ll tell you – my conscience is clear.
After all, when downloading films and music, I’m only taking a bit of money out of the pockets of those fine upstanding fellas like Harvey Weinstein. Today though, I have to confess to something a bit more grave: renting games and not returning them on time.
Continue reading “A short story without much fun is something truly criminal”
Yoshi’s Crafted World (2019)
I’ve been trying to cast my mind back to the moment when I realized that I was never going to be a team player. There’ve been many occasions when I’ve shunned everybody (haven’t we all), but I think I’ve found the watershed moment. It was in either Fourth Class or Fifth Class in school, which will mean nothing to you, but then Year 12 and 8th Grade mean nothing to me either, so we’re even on that score. Just know that we would have been about 12 years old.
It was one of those strange whims that teachers get for whatever reason, that comes completely out of nowhere and is nothing to do with books, which takes me right out of the comfort zone. We were all split up into groups, and we each had ten minutes to turn some cardboard strips and boxes into an articulated lorry that could move. Now you should know, that kind of thing, building something that works, with engineering and levers and axles and physics and God knows what else – that sort of thing is just not for me.
Continue reading “Cardboard teams win cardboard trophies, but there’s no prizes for Yoshi this time”
Tetris Attack (1996)
I’m all about nominative determinism lately, the idea that people subconsciously choose their path in life based on their own last name. So if your surname is Wainwright, you might find yourself gravitating towards owning a brothel as you’ll be well used to dealing with wagons. I once met someone with the last name Victory, and I’ll tell you this, he was no loser. If your last name is Cooper, then hard luck, barrel making probably isn’t much of a viable trade anymore. But you could always marry someone of last name Ramsbottom and eke out a living there.
Continue reading “A puzzle game by any other name would play as sweet”
Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island (1995)
I want you to sit back and see if you can think of your earliest memory. I’m not asking this in the hopes of you giving me your accounts, photos or videos of being breastfed – although if you do, please send them to the usual address. It’s just interesting, isn’t it? You may very well have memories of yourself from back when you were a crying, gibbering, clumsy, self-defecating mess, and I mean from before you turned drinking age. No matter how great you are today, you know that squawking child that caused irritation to every member of the public in a 400-yard radius and prompted mass tutting and unspoken, polite disapproval? That was you that was, and we all hated you.
Continue reading “We may all hate them, but babies have it easy”