One of these days, Mario is gonna give me diabetes

500px-SuperMarioGalaxyLogo

Super Mario Galaxy (2007)

As a man of boisterous build, it goes without saying that I need my rubbish food just to keep me going. All these lovely things that I see being restricted by fad diets, you know, carbos or whatever it is, trans fats, saturated fats, fats domino. I need generous amounts of all that stuff just to keep me ticking over. So you can keep your marathons and your ironmans and your abs – it’s behemoth beefburgers, killer kebabs, flatliner fries and even heartstopping hummus for me.

Continue reading “One of these days, Mario is gonna give me diabetes”

Skyward Sword got me thrown out of the art gallery

skywardsword

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011)

It’s crazy how the littlest things in life can be the ones that get on top of you the most. As I write, I already know that there’s a plucky wee spider spinning a devil of a web in an unreachable part of my room. My back hair growth shows no signs of letting up despite all the formula I’ve been throwing on it. The peasant-wagon fares are going up again. And it’s gotten to the stage where I don’t think I own a pair of shoes anymore that don’t have at least 2 holes in them, and a crack in the soles for good measure.

Continue reading “Skyward Sword got me thrown out of the art gallery”

3D gameplay on a Wii Remote? Why not use it to paint the Sistine Chapel instead?

 

metroid_other_m_logo.png

Metroid: Other M (2010)

Whenever we’re asked whatever it is we fear, we usually come up with all the stock answers; the dark, eerie clowns, Professor Snape. For me, it’s spiders. And not having the correct knife and fork with my boeuf bourguignon, that’s always ghastly. And also that one about always being watched by ducks – a real kicker when you live between a river and a canal, like I do. But one of the real fears we never reveal to others is our fear of change. We love the status quo, don’t we?

Continue reading “3D gameplay on a Wii Remote? Why not use it to paint the Sistine Chapel instead?”

Can the human mind imagine a finer sight than a minted Wario dancing to Layla?

wazzzaland

Wario Land: The Shake Dimension (2008)

What was it Ray Liotta said to sum up Robert De Niro’s character in GoodFellas? “Jimmy was the kind of guy who rooted for the bad guys in the movies.” It’s a beautiful testament, and often it rings true. You may not have always wanted Voldie to get one over Harry Potter and his gormless posse per se, but didn’t you just want one of his followers to give Ginny Weasley a slap at times? We simply don’t want squeaky clean goodies in our mind-rotting works of fiction; we want conflicted types whose character flaws assure us that it’s actually perfectly okay for us to be fat, lazy, stupid and unreliable ourselves.

Continue reading “Can the human mind imagine a finer sight than a minted Wario dancing to Layla?”

What’s GoldenEye without Sean Bean?

 

goldeneyewii

GoldenEye 007 (2010)

When it comes to making some fat stacks, it’s important for us little people to remember that in entertainment, there is simply no such thing as a sacred cow. Nothing is untouchable, above the remit of cynical executives bolting the latest faces in entertainment onto an old work and shipping it as a “continuity reboot” or a “spiritual sequel”.

I didn’t have my glasses on so I happily stand to be corrected, but they now apparently want to bring about a Ghostbusters 3 with an all-female cast. Obviously I’m highly sexist, but for the sake of this argument let’s assume I’m rational, tolerant and level-headed. What’s the easiest way to conceal the fact that none of the old actors wanted to touch this Ghostbusters 3 with a ten-foot barge pole? Do a complete turnabout on the cast and instead bring in actresses that won’t make viewers ask “what happened to the other guys?”

Continue reading “What’s GoldenEye without Sean Bean?”

Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)

ssb logo

Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)

Feature, 15/09/14

They say you shouldn’t believe in tiers in the Smash Bros games, but let’s face it – they exist. Why else would Fox be the person you turn to on Final Destination, with not a single item to be seen? If you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about, then you’re obviously not up on your Smash Bros. And I wouldn’t blame you, because it’s some pretty competitive, in-depth stuff, and all of that frightens me. It really does! I’m not at all interested in how well Dankey Kang does against Metal Knight on the Pokeymon Stadium level or how good Charmanderzard is at fighting against Browser – none of that means much to me.

I’d much prefer to rate the characters in more practical terms, by assessing how they’d do in a real fight. In particular: how would they do in the classic throwdown that is the pub brawl? You know the ones I mean: a few comments have been taken exception to, a couple of punches are thrown, glasses start to fly and there’s Begbie steaming in early doors.

Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)”

The Top 18 Fucker Donkey Kong Country Levels (Feature) (2012)

dkc logo

The Top 18 Fucker Donkey Kong Country Levels (2012)

Please be advised that this feature contains strong language.

Feature, 26/11/12

As if Mario and his travails weren’t enough to whet the appetite of SNES-owning platforming fans, up stepped Donkey Kong with his fantastic monogrammed tie. And he brought his buddies too! Actually, it’s well he did, since the big man (ape) is only playable in two of the four games we’ll be looking at in this feature. In fact you could easily argue that it’s Diddy Kong who’s the centre of the piece. But who likes Diddy Kong these days?

The difficulty involved in finding every single wee collectible that the games have to offer would be bad enough if some of the levels involved weren’t already ball-busting to get through by themselves. For all the joys brought by these games, they also were capable of ratcheting up some severe frustration. Here, we will look at the four Donkey Kong Country games (the SNES trilogy of Donkey Kong Country, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest, Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble! and the excellent Wii callback, Donkey Kong Country Returns). In particular, I’ll be going through some of the most difficult and aggravating levels they had to offer, from not-too-baddest to hardest. You could probably that I’d be looking at them from a disgruntled player’s point of view, seeing as how I’ve used ‘fucker’ as an adjective to describe these fucking dickcrushingly difficult levels. 18 levels in all, in fact. A level for every… Kong?  Continue reading “The Top 18 Fucker Donkey Kong Country Levels (Feature) (2012)”