Nintendo blast open-world gaming’s eardrums with a double-necked Flying V

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Legend of Zelda, The: Breath of the Wild (2017)

Can a man get away with crying? Especially in front of his girlfriend. Men are often being told they should feel able to open up about their emotions, but I wonder. Am I now emasculated for life? Forever to be dismissed as a blubbing wreck with no bottle? Will even the children point and laugh at me? I’ll have to buy a muscle-suit and wear it at all times just to counteract that event, maybe with three smokes in my mouth too.

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We don’t need new games anymore – remake Uniracers and you’ll send us home singing

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Legend of Zelda, The: The Wind Waker HD (2013)

An awful long time ago, I did a write-up on Wind Waker GameCube, or more accurately a 5,000 word dissertation. It was fairly stuffy, and in it I mostly spoke about how the graphics actually added a nice bit of whimsy and the story and plot was pleasant when you met big bad Ganon, but crucially some pilchard left a few dungeons out.

Continue reading “We don’t need new games anymore – remake Uniracers and you’ll send us home singing”

Sakurai may have 100,000 demands, but all I ever needed was the Duck Hunt dog

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Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS and Wii U (2014)

I’m always having to refute toilet graffiti, random WhatsApp messages and shouted street insults about me being some sort of Nintendo fanboy. But even I couldn’t help but delightfully squee like a constipated swine when Nintendo brought out an interesting new fighter for the Nintendo 64, featuring Nintendo characters, stages and items, all wrapped up into one veritable hit-parade of Japaneseness. A surprise birthday present from Nintendo to me, that’s what my old friend Shigsy told me via fax at the time.

Continue reading “Sakurai may have 100,000 demands, but all I ever needed was the Duck Hunt dog”

I could have been an ace pilot if only my yoke pointed the right way

star-fox-zeroStar Fox Zero (2016)

Time for you to hear about yet another one of my amazing feats: yes, I am a bona fide aviator. I don’t mean I talk about tangos and foxtrots (outside of the local dance hall) and I don’t wear the silly goggles and all that, but I have flown an actual plane. That is, I had the proper pilot next to me, telling me absolutely what not to do and occasionally helping me furiously wipe the carpet of sweat off my brow, but I did assume control of the thing for a whole thirty seconds. And I was cacking it for every one of those thirty seconds.

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The Wii U is everything the Volkswagen Golf isn’t

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Wii U (2012)

It’s more trouble in paradise for me, readers – the old motor vehicle is giving me some issues again. Listen, you can tell just by looking at my car that I don’t ask for much out of a vehicle. In particular, pay attention to the moss growing on the windows and the pet mouse colony I have living in there. My old Polo is going to be entering its 19th year now that we’ve stumbled into 2018 – but now some cracks are beginning to show in the hardware. 

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I always said “I can’t draw”, but I had no issues drawing the dole

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Snipperclips Plus (2017)

When I was out shopping with my girlfriend recently, I thought my life had passed me by – that’s how long she spends in the shops. But as a reward for my nine hours of patience, she decided to treat me to a new Nintendo Switch game – only for her to hold up Snipperclips Plus. I was apoplectic with rage. Are you mad, woman?! Didn’t you see DOOM out there on the shelves? How about Breath of the Wild? I already have the Wii U version of the game, and I did neglect you completely for 150 hours plus to play it, but still. There was even a Pokémon Tekken game back there for heaven’s sake.

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Legend of Zelda, The: The Wind Waker (Long)

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Legend of Zelda, The: The Wind Waker (2003)

Review, 05/11/12

INTRO

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker was released for the Nintendo GameCube in Europe on 3rd May 2003. Following the immense success of previous Zelda games, including A Link to the Past, Link’s Awakening and Ocarina of Time, fans eagerly anticipated the latest instalment in the series for the Nintendo Dolphin, newly dubbed the GameCube.

To demonstrate the power of their upcoming console, a Zelda tech demo was shown as part of Nintendo’s exposition during the SpaceWorld show in the year 2000. It featured a short swordfight between the adult incarnation of Link and Ganondorf, showcasing realistic graphics much improved from the blocky polygons featured in the previous two 3D Zelda games, Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask, both released for the Nintendo 64.

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