Toffee breaks ’em down, whether they’re solid or frail

sonic adventure

Sonic Adventure (1999)

I’ve done it. I survived my recent set of trips to the dentist, the first in about 8 years. Nothing short of a medical emergency brings a man back to the dentist after 8 years, but things got desperate. Not to disgust you too much, but one of my fillings popped out of my mouth, with the telltale ping of an M1 Garand. Well, it wasn’t so dramatic as that, but it’s a bloody weird feeling when it happens.

I wasn’t too bothered with that, though. I’m a hard man, of course, so any sort of discomfort from my teeth was just something to be treated like a pitiful challenge to my godlike body. A computer not doing what it’s told, an email that I wouldn’t answer, a teeny electric shock from an appliance. Something that a man needs to be bigger than.

Continue reading “Toffee breaks ’em down, whether they’re solid or frail”

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Sonic dies on his arse again!

Sonic the Hedgehog 4 (2010 / 2012)

There area lot of things out there which aren’t worthy of their name, you know. It’s like when you see a tabloid newspaper headline about a footballer involved in underage spitroasting and they mention an “England ace”. You’ve never even heard of this guy, much less seen him have an “ace” performance. But this description generates hate and bile which ultimately is what sells papers.

Or used to sell them, when newspapers had their day in the Sun. Now, thankfully, they are an irrelevance. I’ve bought one newspaper in the last ten years, and that was just to put down on the floor before painting the bedroom. Even if Page 3 still existed, there wouldn’t be much incentive anymore – I’ve got better smut in my front pocket.

Continue reading “Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Sonic dies on his arse again!”

It’s nice to look after the environment, but give us back our plastic straws

Sonic CD.png

Sonic CD (1993)

I know the environment is on a collision course to apocalypse land and that we’re killing the icecaps, and wringing turtles’ necks with six pack plastic rings. But what do you want me to do about it? Vote for the Green Party?! No chance. You leave it to them, and we’d all be stuck going to work in an ass and cart. They’d make us ration the amount of times we can flush the toilet each day. And fancy a straw or two for your freshly made G&T at the end of a long week? They’ll have you hauled over the non-GM coals and set alight with free-range fire.

Continue reading “It’s nice to look after the environment, but give us back our plastic straws”

Burkey longs for the days of emos

 

Shadow_the_Hedgehog_logo

Shadow the Hedgehog (2005)

When I was a teenager, I’m afraid to say that I was just too boring and practical to get suckered into what we esteemed sociologists like to call “subcultures”. No phases or fads or trends for me. Whether through choice or not, I was destined not to take part and I went my own fruitless way instead.
Continue reading “Burkey longs for the days of emos”