Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 11)
It’s been pretty emotional, and stressful to the body too, you know. I have to sit down and imagine what it would be like if I was relying on, say, Sonic the Hedgehog, to bail me out of a pub pagger. And if he can’t, I have to imagine what it’s like to get a clump in the head off the biggest, most boozed up nutter at the forefront of the aggro. To do this, I hit myself in the head as hard as I can while screaming for help from the Ice Climbers. You can call it method writing.
So you needn’t be too sad about these pieces coming to a conclusion, because it’s all a load of nonsense anyway and there probably isn’t a single character in Smash Bros Ultimate who sitting alongside won’t get you targeted and bullied, apart maybe from Snake. And one of these days, you never know, I may do a tier-list for every single Smash Bros song based on their suitability to a pub Spotify playlist. Would you read that…?
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Super Smash Bros Ultimate (2018)
It’s quite the event on the social calendar, you know, and I take great pride in organising it every year, or at least on the years when people can be bothered with it. It quickly becomes front-page news, with everyone talking about it, and I’m ashamed to say some lewd scenes and paparazzi photographs have made it to the back pages on occasion.
Everyone is welcome, but if you haven’t got the stamina for it then you’ll find yourself left behind in an instant. Make it to the end though, and you can take great pride in the fact that there are not many who’ve achieved what you just have. I’m talking, of course, about the 12 Pubs of Christmas.
Continue reading “Pubmaster Burkey does his best to ensure everyone is here”
Super Smash Bros. (1999)
My girlfriend recently asked me why men are always fighting, with more than a hint of melancholy in her eyes, a melancholy that suggested all of the nice things she’d heard about the world had come crashing down at the thought of male penchant for pugilism. I didn’t really have an answer for her, although I’m keen to point out that I do my best not to start the aggro. That’s probably for the best, since I have a win record of zero.
It’s always great to watch a pagger erupting out on the street though, particularly when it’s chucking out time from the nightclubs. And even if you’re not there, there’s usually a tremendous series of videos to catch up on – fights, grappling, lunging tackles, roundhouse kicks, sirens, blue flashing lights, women screaming, the whole nine yards, and it’s properly compelling viewing.
Continue reading “Never mind what they say – women love to Smash”
Super Smash Bros. Brawl (2008)
Anyone who’s ever signed up to the rollercoaster of hype knows what they’re getting themselves in for. You’re wishing your life away, waiting for this next big game or film to come out. If you’re particularly masochistic, you might even be hyped up for your wedding day. When the release day is still months away, and when you’re in your quiet, unguarded moments, you’ll revert back to being a child and making yourself almost sick with how much you want this thing – this thing that, in time, will become passé. That is until the next shiny object gets teased and the cycle begins all over again.
Continue reading “The Smash Bros hype is such a trip sometimes”
Dr. Mario (1991)
I must set the scene for my most recent trip to the doctor’s office by telling you about my GP. I’ll warn you beforehand though, this one is going to get a bit graphic and inappropriate. First of all, I hadn’t had to suffer the displeasure of seeing this doctor for about 15 years up until then – my last visit had concerned my unfortunate bout of balanitis, an inflammation of the old policeman’s helmet.
Continue reading “Why couldn’t Dr. Mario have circumcised me?”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 10)
You don’t need me to tell you that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has been an absolute triumph, a hugely ambitious project in a series that boggles and reboggles its fans with the sheer scope of all the features included. Well, an even more ambitious project was also set to draw to a close – namely my Smash Bros Pub Tier List (but of course).
But then – wouldn’t you know it – more DLC has been announced, meaning that all of the Fighter’s Pack #1 guys, girls and bears below are already old hat. Can you believe that? Actually, what I can’t believe is how quickly I flexed my stubborn attitude on downloadable content, and bought it. Whereas previously, if it wasn’t on the disc or cartridge or cassette tape then I either stole it or didn’t want to know. But now I’m on my knees in front of Sakurai-san, waiting for him to finish. Ah, finish the second Fighter’s Pack, that is. Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 10)”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 9)
We’re knee-deep in Smash Bros Ultimate now, and not a Waluigi in sight. Well, he’s still there as an Assist Trophy, ten years on. You can beat up the Assist Trophies in this particular game, and it’s probably a good thing too because some of them are mighty overpowered and downright annoying – just ask anyone who’s gone up against the Sheriff. As for the fighters themselves, Part 9 of our Pub hubbub here sees some of the wildest additions to the series possible, including Ridley finally making his debut. Not forgetting King K. Rool into the bargain as well. But what about the classic farmer from Harvest Moon, Pete. Where’s he?
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Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 8)
At long last, we’ve gotten to the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate portion of the Pub Fight Tier List. Well, when they said “Everyone is here”, they weren’t jesting. Although perhaps they were, because Waluigi has already become an infamous omission, Bomberman is in merely as an Assist Trophy, Rayman relegated to the life of a Spirit. And there’s still no sign of the dancing shopkeepers from Secret of Mana, unless the DLC brings good news. You have to wonder just what kind of a brain-drain has happened in the Nintendo and Sora Creative Departments.
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Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS and Wii U (2014)
I’m always having to refute toilet graffiti, random WhatsApp messages and shouted street insults about me being some sort of Nintendo fanboy. But even I couldn’t help but delightfully squee like a constipated swine when Nintendo brought out an interesting new fighter for the Nintendo 64, featuring Nintendo characters, stages and items, all wrapped up into one veritable hit-parade of Japaneseness. A surprise birthday present from Nintendo to me, that’s what my old friend Shigsy told me via fax at the time.
Continue reading “Sakurai may have 100,000 demands, but all I ever needed was the Duck Hunt dog”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 7)
I’d certainly never want to risk incurring the wrath of the Smash Bros fanbase, as it may very well end in the forfeiture of my life and anything I hold dear. But when the creators are grabbing any old random frog Pokémon and putting them in the game, you start to wonder. After all, this is Part 7 and it doesn’t look like we’ve seen Kolorado from Paper Mario show up yet. So do you mean to tell me that each of the mugs found below are all considered better characters for fighting than a gentlemanly Koopa archaeologist and explorer? I simply won’t have it!
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