Super Smash Bros. (1999)
My girlfriend recently asked me why men are always fighting, with more than a hint of melancholy in her eyes, a melancholy that suggested all of the nice things she’d heard about the world had come crashing down at the thought of male penchant for pugilism. I didn’t really have an answer for her, although I’m keen to point out that I do my best not to start the aggro. That’s probably for the best, since I have a win record of zero.
It’s always great to watch a pagger erupting out on the street though, particularly when it’s chucking out time from the nightclubs. And even if you’re not there, there’s usually a tremendous series of videos to catch up on – fights, grappling, lunging tackles, roundhouse kicks, sirens, blue flashing lights, women screaming, the whole nine yards, and it’s properly compelling viewing.
Continue reading “Never mind what they say – women love to Smash”
Super Smash Bros. Brawl (2008)
Anyone who’s ever signed up to the rollercoaster of hype knows what they’re getting themselves in for. You’re wishing your life away, waiting for this next big game or film to come out. If you’re particularly masochistic, you might even be hyped up for your wedding day. When the release day is still months away, and when you’re in your quiet, unguarded moments, you’ll revert back to being a child and making yourself almost sick with how much you want this thing – this thing that, in time, will become passé. That is until the next shiny object gets teased and the cycle begins all over again.
Continue reading “The Smash Bros hype is such a trip sometimes”
Dr. Mario (1991)
I must set the scene for my most recent trip to the doctor’s office by telling you about my GP. I’ll warn you beforehand though, this one is going to get a bit graphic and inappropriate. First of all, I hadn’t had to suffer the displeasure of seeing this doctor for about 15 years up until then – my last visit had concerned my unfortunate bout of balanitis, an inflammation of the old policeman’s helmet.
Continue reading “Why couldn’t Dr. Mario have circumcised me?”
Super Smash Bros. Melee (2002)
You may not believe it, but the website is dead. That’s what all of us top tech bods are saying. Not just that, but mobile apps are dead too. The cinema is dead. Buying music, that’s dead. Pubs are dead. And as for using your voice to talk to people – that’s well into rigor mortis.
I don’t personally believe any of this, of course, but it’s sweeping statements like these that grab attention in marketing headlines, and they might just fool some gullible CEOs into dropping money on unproven new technology. Well, whatever about all that, it is my sad duty to inform you that the ever-popular GameCube game, Super Smash Bros Melee, is also dead.
Continue reading “Saunter in, beat the pros, grab the cash and wavedash outta there”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 10)
You don’t need me to tell you that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has been an absolute triumph, a hugely ambitious project in a series that boggles and reboggles its fans with the sheer scope of all the features included. Well, an even more ambitious project was also set to draw to a close – namely my Smash Bros Pub Tier List (but of course).
But then – wouldn’t you know it – more DLC has been announced, meaning that all of the Fighter’s Pack #1 guys, girls and bears below are already old hat. Can you believe that? Actually, what I can’t believe is how quickly I flexed my stubborn attitude on downloadable content, and bought it. Whereas previously, if it wasn’t on the disc or cartridge or cassette tape then I either stole it or didn’t want to know. But now I’m on my knees in front of Sakurai-san, waiting for him to finish. Ah, finish the second Fighter’s Pack, that is. Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 10)”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 9)
We’re knee-deep in Smash Bros Ultimate now, and not a Waluigi in sight. Well, he’s still there as an Assist Trophy, ten years on. You can beat up the Assist Trophies in this particular game, and it’s probably a good thing too because some of them are mighty overpowered and downright annoying – just ask anyone who’s gone up against the Sheriff. As for the fighters themselves, Part 9 of our Pub hubbub here sees some of the wildest additions to the series possible, including Ridley finally making his debut. Not forgetting King K. Rool into the bargain as well. But what about the classic farmer from Harvest Moon, Pete. Where’s he?
Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 9)”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 8)
At long last, we’ve gotten to the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate portion of the Pub Fight Tier List. Well, when they said “Everyone is here”, they weren’t jesting. Although perhaps they were, because Waluigi has already become an infamous omission, Bomberman is in merely as an Assist Trophy, Rayman relegated to the life of a Spirit. And there’s still no sign of the dancing shopkeepers from Secret of Mana, unless the DLC brings good news. You have to wonder just what kind of a brain-drain has happened in the Nintendo and Sora Creative Departments.
Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 8)”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 7)
I’d certainly never want to risk incurring the wrath of the Smash Bros fanbase, as it may very well end in the forfeiture of my life and anything I hold dear. But when the creators are grabbing any old random frog Pokémon and putting them in the game, you start to wonder. After all, this is Part 7 and it doesn’t look like we’ve seen Kolorado from Paper Mario show up yet. So do you mean to tell me that each of the mugs found below are all considered better characters for fighting than a gentlemanly Koopa archaeologist and explorer? I simply won’t have it!
Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 7)”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 6)
The sixth part of our not-at-all hackneyed Super Smash Bros Pub Fight (or “Bar Rammy” or “Saloon Throwdown”) steers us away from the trip-happy, Meta Knight-laden Super Smash Bros. Brawl and tears us kicking and screaming into the world of Super Smash Bros 4… or should I say, for. As in, for Wii U and 3DS, you know? And even Villager and Mega Man couldn’t stop the Wii U from being a catastrophic failure, on par with the Minidisc format. But not to worry! You can read about their pub exploits in fine detail below:
Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 6)”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 5)
Everyone is here! So goes the tagline for the upcoming Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. So also went the text you got off the below fighters, telling you to hit the pub tonight or suffer a terrible fear of missing out. Unfortunately what they didn’t tell you is that everybody will be kung-fu fighting – or worse, swinging broken bottles at innocent folk like you. Are you a bad enough dude to get out alive? Warning – high, potentially fatal levels of Pokémon content.
Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 5)”