The name’s Burkey… Heathen Burkey

GoldenEye 007 (1997)

There seems to be a strange phenomenon in life whereby the most major and far-reaching decisions tend to be left in the lap of children, while the decisions made by adults are of no consequence at all, or you never had that much agency in the first place. You might think that marriage, or buying a house are earth-moving decisions on your part. But it’s society that makes this decision for you, if you’re really being honest with yourself.

That momentous decision to have kids? Oh come on, how many of us were accidents? Even if you’re too careful for accidents, and you want to reproduce, then it’s still not your decision, that’s your genes acting on your behalf. And as you get older, it’s not like you’ll be the one deciding when you’re going to shuffle off to a home, which one you’ll even go to, and when to pull the plug at the end of it all. It seems to me that the older you get, the less you get to decide.

Continue reading “The name’s Burkey… Heathen Burkey”

Do you think James Bond ever had to walk to Gate 999?

007 nightfire

James Bond 007: Nightfire (2002)

I was once told that a big advantage of working in the corporate retail environment is that “you get to meet new and interesting people every day”. I’m sorry, but to me, that is hell on earth. It was bad enough speaking to them over the phone. I couldn’t imagine having hateful negotiations with suppliers and wholesalers in my office, while they pretend to enjoy being in my company, alls so I can cut 2 cent off the price of a box of tablespoons so my department would save a hundred quid extra that month.

Continue reading “Do you think James Bond ever had to walk to Gate 999?”

Housing recommendations, courtesy of Pierce Brosnan’s Taffin

Taffin

Taffin (1988)

I had always wondered how easy or difficult it would be to make a film in Ireland. You don’t exactly have the clout or backing of Hollywood, Bollywood or even Pinewood Studios. Your backdrops are most likely going to be fields, and your extras will be cows and sheep. On your budget of zero, even Rawhead Rex won’t answer your casting manager’s calls. The typical Irish accent is going to be far too squeaky for camera, and two of our biggest acting exports are Mrs. Brown’s Boys and Fair City, which says it all. Worse than that, Glenroe is the closest we’ve gotten to a look at the gritty realism of rural Ireland.

Continue reading “Housing recommendations, courtesy of Pierce Brosnan’s Taffin”

Q’s invented me a gun that fires jelly

007agent under fire

James Bond 007: Agent Under Fire (2001)

Where have all the Bond games gone? Where indeed. Twenty years after Goldeneye 007 for N64, we’re still waiting on some developer out there to recapture lightning in a bottle and come out with the ultimate system-selling, multiplayer extravaganza, with a beautiful Single Player campaign and replay value from unlockable cheat codes to boot. Of course, to do this, they’d have to root the Bond game license out from underneath a load of cobweb-ridden boxes.

Then they’ll need to find a way that they could make the multiplayer a loot-box ridden nightmare, where it’s either 900 hours or $4.99 to unlock some Bond no-mark like the baddie from For Your Eyes Only, and if you don’t like it then Goldfinger will come round your house and laser your ghoulies off. And finally, they’ll have to give the whole game the same old moribund Call of Duty gameplay that plagued Goldeneye Wii.

Continue reading “Q’s invented me a gun that fires jelly”

What’s GoldenEye without Sean Bean?

 

goldeneyewii

GoldenEye 007 (2010)

When it comes to making some fat stacks, it’s important for us little people to remember that in entertainment, there is simply no such thing as a sacred cow. Nothing is untouchable, above the remit of cynical executives bolting the latest faces in entertainment onto an old work and shipping it as a “continuity reboot” or a “spiritual sequel”.

I didn’t have my glasses on so I happily stand to be corrected, but they now apparently want to bring about a Ghostbusters 3 with an all-female cast. Obviously I’m highly sexist, but for the sake of this argument let’s assume I’m rational, tolerant and level-headed. What’s the easiest way to conceal the fact that none of the old actors wanted to touch this Ghostbusters 3 with a ten-foot barge pole? Do a complete turnabout on the cast and instead bring in actresses that won’t make viewers ask “what happened to the other guys?”

Continue reading “What’s GoldenEye without Sean Bean?”