Tag: nintendo

A tiny bit of snow, and Irish society goes racing downhill

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1080° Avalanche (2003)

Let me tell you, there’s nowhere in the world more unprepared for snow than Ireland. I do mean that, because can you name a country that could be worse for extreme weather? If we go around the houses – Canada and to a lesser extent the United States expect snow to occur.

Perhaps the southern States get blindsided by a blizzard, but let’s face it, they’re not prepared for the wild winds that’ll uproot their entire houses, either. If it snowed in Central or South America, it’d melt pretty quickly. And just because some penguins abound the tips of South Africa, it doesn’t mean any of the continent ever becomes draped in white baize.

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Hanging out in the fields with Arceus and the rest of the legends

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Pokémon Legends: Arceus (2022)

It’s pretty self-inflicted I know, but sometimes I’m sad about the fact that I don’t go outside anymore. Unfortunately, street corners, fields and roadside kerbs just aren’t places for men in their thirties to be hanging around. Who could have pinpointed the last time you and a group of your mates were sat around on the grass, talking nonsense, watching the sun set slowly? Irishers have a bit of an extended adolescence in this regard, given our national proclivity for knacker drinking.

Nowadays, if I’m out and about, it’s only ever for a boringly practical purpose. It’s usually the commute (dear God), the shopping (Christ almighty), or if I’m really feeling defiant against my rapidly declining metabolism, I’m going running (Lords above). It’s all done with purpose, see? I’m not just going out for a quick, impromptu game of ball with my mates anymore. Or better still, a game of IRA. Not a very politically correct set of formative years, eh?

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The first Mega Man RPG – enjoy the new playstyle and the new average

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Mega Man X: Command Mission (2004)

I probably don’t have to say this, but I do hope nobody actually takes my opinions onboard. Anyone holding me up as some sort of esteemed critic must be mad, because I’ve got no taste whatsoever. I think Fallout is generally rubbish, and I had no time for most of Tarantino’s work after Pulp Fiction. On the other hand, I thought Batman & Robin was alright, and my favourite music artist is Donkey Kong.

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“You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on Wario”

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Wario Land 4 (2001)

I’m sure we trust each other enough now to talk about drug use. I’m not on about drug abuse now, or drug problems. After all, I don’t have a problem with drugs – I love them. No, but isn’t it a bit rich to look down on illegal drugs when the majority of the rest of us barely go a week, or a day even, with those more “honest” drugs of caffeine and alcohol?

But then, what of the legalisation of certain drugs? It always scores you credibility points to mention in public about how you really think weed should be legalised at this stage. But then, there are some cities you take a stroll down nowadays and you can’t move for the sickly smell of the stuff, thanks to legalisation. Do you really want that?

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Samus as a Suicide Girl, it’s all I ever wanted

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Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2004) NOTX

I shouldn’t ask this for fear of summoning them to my doorstep, like Beetlejuice, but where have all the good goths gone? I’m not talking about your posing e-girls, these days now good for a depraved bit of onanism but not much more. It used to be that you could go to some central location in a city, in Dublin’s case the old Central Bank, and find a gaggle of them hanging about, smoking, not going to school and talking about nonconformity. Bloody great, I say.

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Come on down to Mineral Town (again) and date 12 lucky contestants

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Story of Seasons: Friends of Mineral Town (2021)

If you were suddenly transported into the last game world you visited, what would it be and how would you fare? Bit of a kick in the teeth if you’re a big Dark Souls buff, but you might be in your element if the last one you played was Minecraft, specifically a Minecraft world with a playable Pokémon Red, enormous booby angel statues, and no spiders. Actually, why not go one better? Does anyone have a lend of Dead or Alive Xtreme Volleyball 3?

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An Irish Air Show… it was never gonna be an assault on the senses

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Star Fox Assault (2005)

I’m not a World War II historian – you should generally avoid such people like the plague – but I do at least know that Spitfire pilots tended not to disappoint when it came to fulfilling their duties, and the boys in the Hawker Hurricanes didn’t put up a poor show in front of the Bosh either. But I’m afraid to say that they, along with the much vaunted British Red Arrows, have let us all down.

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Horrifying times lie ahead for the vampire hunter who lets himself go

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Castlevania 64 (1999)

So is it true what they say, about comparison being the thief of joy? Maybe, but how else are you gonna get ahead in life? I always had myself down as a not particularly competitive guy, happy enough to be laidback. And yet my quickness to jealousy and my complete inability to be happy for other people’s fortunes can only lead me to conclude that I must always be the best at everything, better than everyone else, and nothing else will do. Ain’t I a stinker?

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Mario sleepwalks us through another money-printing cookie cutter

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New Super Mario Bros. 2 (2012)

I’m trying to remember the last time I put absolutely no effort into something, but I couldn’t be bothered engaging my memory for long enough to uncover it. I think you can already tell where I’m going with this piece, but I will say, it’s a wonderful feeling when you go past caring and just decided to drop out completely.

I had that with college, you know, and it was really just a natural progression. The timetable they gave me was something ridiculous like only 11 hours a week, which I took as licence not to turn up at all. After all, the less teaching hours there are, the easier it is to cram. We’d get to exam time and I’d see all these triers and achievers stressing out like crazy. I never really liked the feeling of being stressed, so I just never bothered putting myself under any of it. Besides, I don’t think colleges can fail you anyway, so long as you turn up on the last day. Turning up was, after all, the bare minimum, and I’m always happy to do the bare minimum.

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Marth steps out of the shadows and into another remake

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Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon (2008)

Hollywood’s gotten itself into a creative funk again, and but for the presence of a hundred thousand Marvel and Disney films, made with the express purpose of giving these two creators more disposable cash than any piddly old first world country, there isn’t much to see in the cinema.

Well, that’s not fully true: there are a bunch of remakes for you to “treat” your eyes to. I even hear rumblings that they want to redo The Breakfast Club. Simply impossible – how do you catch lightning in a bottle twice? The kids would be on their phones all day, secretly capturing videos of each other to post publicly in humiliating fashion for the victims, and that would be that. God, I’m glad the phones weren’t smart when I was in school.

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