Tag: Nintendo Switch

Hanging out in the fields with Arceus and the rest of the legends

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Pokémon Legends: Arceus (2022)

It’s pretty self-inflicted I know, but sometimes I’m sad about the fact that I don’t go outside anymore. Unfortunately, street corners, fields and roadside kerbs just aren’t places for men in their thirties to be hanging around. Who could have pinpointed the last time you and a group of your mates were sat around on the grass, talking nonsense, watching the sun set slowly? Irishers have a bit of an extended adolescence in this regard, given our national proclivity for knacker drinking.

Nowadays, if I’m out and about, it’s only ever for a boringly practical purpose. It’s usually the commute (dear God), the shopping (Christ almighty), or if I’m really feeling defiant against my rapidly declining metabolism, I’m going running (Lords above). It’s all done with purpose, see? I’m not just going out for a quick, impromptu game of ball with my mates anymore. Or better still, a game of IRA. Not a very politically correct set of formative years, eh?

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Kirby spares us the embarrassment – he may be officially cool now

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Kirby and the Forgotten Land (2022)

It’s a cringe-inducing sight, the type of cringe that makes your entire face fold in on itself as you purse your lips, blow out hard and then grimace. You just cannot believe what you’re seeing, that this embarrassing sight could be allowed to unfold and indeed that nobody stopped this person before now.

You’re desperate to say something, anything, that might alleviate the tension, but you know that it will only make things worse. So all you can do is try to ignore it, pretend it’s not happening, while simultaneously not being able to keep your eyes off the whole grisly affair. I tried to hold my head at a 90 degree angle, glaring directly at the pavement, but still my eyes got drawn upwards and there it was, the source of so much public discomfort – a gentleman walking his cat.

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Come on down to Mineral Town (again) and date 12 lucky contestants

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Story of Seasons: Friends of Mineral Town (2021)

If you were suddenly transported into the last game world you visited, what would it be and how would you fare? Bit of a kick in the teeth if you’re a big Dark Souls buff, but you might be in your element if the last one you played was Minecraft, specifically a Minecraft world with a playable Pokémon Red, enormous booby angel statues, and no spiders. Actually, why not go one better? Does anyone have a lend of Dead or Alive Xtreme Volleyball 3?

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Internet access and online transactions, they’ve got the gaming landscape torn apart

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Xenoblade Chronicles 2: Torna – The Golden Country (2018)

There I am scrolling through the game shop – I could have just said the PS Store but let’s face it, this is happening on the Nintendo eShop and the Microsoft Store as well – and there’s all kinds of deluxe editions and add-ons and all sorts that make it difficult to even find the game you’re shopping for anymore. So you dive into one such deluxe listing, to see what kind of game you’re getting for a cool €129.99. It must come with free fellatio, right? A paid trip to that dimly lit Asian massage parlour down the road?

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“What can I do for you today, sir? A Slime afro? Some Dracky dreads?”

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Dragon Quest XI

Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age (2018)

I have been emasculated again. It happens to me quite a lot in life actually, but this one was a real beauty. The scene was the Grafton Barber, a fancy place of mangrooming. Well, I wouldn’t have cared if the red carpet was thrown out for me, because barbershops are never my favourite place to be at the best of times. We’ll get onto the looks of disgust and derision that barbers usually treat me with another time, but I wanted to go on about the Russian (well, former Soviet anyway, it was a big place) lady that was to be my groomer.

You’re offered a drink while you wait, which they say is free but given you’re paying a bit of a premium rate anyway, you’re hardly coming out ahead. Can anything in the high life really be free? Chumps can elect to get sparkling water or a soft drink here; real men like me opt for beer. Though my aspirations of being a real man were summarily shattered when I was called forth to sit in the hot-seat.

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There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a woman in the depths of an Animal Crossing binge.

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Animal Crossing: New Horizons (2020) NOTX

If you’re sitting out there in a loving relationship, no major tiffs every other day and the two of you are only slightly dysfunctional, then congratulations, I am genuinely happy for you. Singletons, fear not, because there are a lot more unhappy relationships out there than you might realise. And we’re all growing up now, “adulting” as some particularly childminded people might say, so the causes of strain and conflict are more mature now. It’s a bit more than her asking you whose bra this is, or you asking her why your last whazz nearly set the shower curtain on fire.

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Pubmaster Burkey does his best to ensure everyone is here

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Super Smash Bros Ultimate

Super Smash Bros Ultimate (2018)

It’s quite the event on the social calendar, you know, and I take great pride in organising it every year, or at least on the years when people can be bothered with it. It quickly becomes front-page news, with everyone talking about it, and I’m ashamed to say some lewd scenes and paparazzi photographs have made it to the back pages on occasion.

Everyone is welcome, but if you haven’t got the stamina for it then you’ll find yourself left behind in an instant. Make it to the end though, and you can take great pride in the fact that there are not many who’ve achieved what you just have. I’m talking, of course, about the 12 Pubs of Christmas.

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Trust Tetris to leave you in a crumpled, sweaty mess

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Tetris99_2019

Tetris 99 (2019)

The rumours are true – I don’t know how to satisfy a woman. But what my detractors don’t realise is that I actually know something they don’t. As it turns out, there’s no way to keep a woman happy, because they’ll always fall victim to at least one side of the female triangle – they are either hungry, tired, cold, or all three. Through hard-work and perseverance, you can close off two sides, but nailing all three? Forget it. Trust me, this is a triangle that’ll leave you in more pain than a Toblerone that’s been in the fridge for days.

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Nintendo blast open-world gaming’s eardrums with a double-necked Flying V

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Breath of the Wild.png

Legend of Zelda, The: Breath of the Wild (2017) NOTX

Can a man get away with crying? Especially in front of his girlfriend. Men are often being told they should feel able to open up about their emotions, but I wonder. Am I now emasculated for life? Forever to be dismissed as a blubbing wreck with no bottle? Will even the children point and laugh at me? I’ll have to buy a muscle-suit and wear it at all times just to counteract that event, maybe with three smokes in my mouth too.

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Get your gladrags on and join me on my fashion odyssey…

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Super_Mario_Odyssey_logo

Super Mario Odyssey (2017)

You don’t need to take a trip to my long abandoned Instagram account (both of them) to learn that I pretty much dress like a scarecrow, as in yes, I keep the birds away. I’m very much a function over form man, I just see clothes as social necessities. So long as it keeps the wind from tickling my ghoulies and I don’t embroil myself in any tricky-to-explain court cases, I’ll wear it. I think one of the main reasons why I’m such a fashion disaster is that my wardrobe is essentially a basket beside my bed with clothes folded on top of it, two abreast, both dangerously teetering like a block of ghastly flats ready to collapse.

Each morning, I grab some articles of clothing from the top of this pile, and whichever has the least obvious creases wins. That’s my ensemble for the day. See, that’s the teeny-tiny drawback you get with your modern day IT jobs – since you’re no longer required to dress like a filing cabinet, just another shirt and slacks merchant, you’ve now got to put some thought into what you wear.

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