Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)

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Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)

Feature, 15/09/14

They say you shouldn’t believe in tiers in the Smash Bros games, but let’s face it – they exist. Why else would Fox be the person you turn to on Final Destination, with not a single item to be seen? If you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about, then you’re obviously not up on your Smash Bros. And I wouldn’t blame you, because it’s some pretty competitive, in-depth stuff, and all of that frightens me. It really does! I’m not at all interested in how well Dankey Kang does against Metal Knight on the Pokeymon Stadium level or how good Charmanderzard is at fighting against Browser – none of that means much to me.

I’d much prefer to rate the characters in more practical terms, by assessing how they’d do in a real fight. In particular: how would they do in the classic throwdown that is the pub brawl? You know the ones I mean: a few comments have been taken exception to, a couple of punches are thrown, glasses start to fly and there’s Begbie steaming in early doors.

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We’re all lucky that Japanese Blofeld was away on annual leave

 

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Pokémon Snap (2000)

You don’t need a scrub like me to tell you, the insecure mess reading this, that life is inherently unfair. Neither you nor me were blessed from birth with an elite sporting ability, or with model good looks, or some other form of unique ‘talent’ to separate us from the mouthbreathers – or better still, to have been born into aristocracy. Imagine that?! But no, not us. I hope, then, that you and I can share this tentative sort of bottom-feeding bond, in that we as people were both pretty much finished before we ever really got started, and this “life” we’re currently living now is the very best we can hope for.

Eddie Hitler had it right when he told us that life was about: you get born, you keep your head down, and then you die – if you’re lucky. Mediocrity is something that we just have to get used to, or so conventional wisdom tells us. I suppose you sometimes get some special snowflakes who become just a little bit uppity and console both themselves and their own doomed existence by posting “artistic” pictures of “inspirational” quotes on Facebook, for the viewing benefit of nobody in particular. Can’t knock these people for effort – what are you without effort? But I think, on the whole, we’ve resigned ourselves to our dismal fates, and any stroke of good luck that does come our way is rightly met with either indifference or a suspicious shrug of the shoulders.

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Legend of Zelda, The: Majora’s Mask (Long)

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Legend of Zelda, The: Majora’s Mask (Review) (2000)

Review, 21/06/13

INTRO

What a magnificent piece of work The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time was: closest to the nigh-perfect A Link to the Past in scope, one of the finest transitions from 2D to 3D that there’s been, and almost as infinitely replayable as its SNES forerunner. It marked the fifth Zelda game, and was a continuation of the high standards the series had set, along with the fantastic Link’s Awakening and the fondly remembered 2 NES originals.

Ocarina of Time was a game that, for the majority of people, lived up to the immense hype borne from agonising delays. The Legend of Zelda had really become a juggernaut series, and the fans clamoured for a sequel – although given Ocarina’s development time it seemed likely that they’d have to wait for the next Nintendo console.

Towards the end of the Nintendo 64’s lifespan, however, screenshots of a game that appeared to be an Ocarina of Time reskin emerged, with a funny sort of sundial at the bottom of the screen. It looked for all the world like an expansion pack of Ocarina of Time – and indeed, that’s what Majora’s Mask was originally conceived as. Fresh from his role as assistant director with Ocarina of Time, Eiji Aonuma was charged with the task of releasing a follow-up game in the same mould in just one year. The result, naturally, would have to be a condensed Zelda adventure, but could at least borrow elements from its older brother. Could Majora’s Mask stand up against Ocarina of Time? Would it take its place proudly alongside the other fine games of the series?

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Lylat Wars/Star Fox 64 (Long)

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Lylat Wars (1997)

* Known as Star Fox 64 in the United States

Review, 22/11/12

INTRO

Starwing (or Star Fox) for the SNES was a great game, in which you played as a talking fox named… er, Fox, who headed up the Star Fox team of four elite mercenary fighter pilots – the rest of the team being made up of Falco Lombardi, Peppy Hare, and the remarkably less talented fourth member, Slippy Toad. The Star Fox team were tasked with defeating the evil scientist Andross, as he led an invasion of the game’s galaxy, the Lylat System, and gained control of most of its planets. They would complete this task by use of four cutting edge fighter ships, called Arwings.

Starwing was the first 3D game for the SNES, a feat brought about by the engineering of the remarkable Super FX graphics accelerator chip, allowing the game to render polygons and advanced scrolling. This enabled Nintendo and Argonaut Software (co-developers of the game and the Super FX chip) to design the 3D scrolling rail-shooter which introduced Fox McCloud and company to Nintendo’s assortment of characters.

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The Days of the Nintendo 64 (Feature) (2013)

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The Days of the Nintendo 64 (2013)

Please be advised that this feature contains strong language.

Feature, 02/01/13

INTRO

Technology always marches on with time. It’s a sad thing, but it’s inevitable. And so it was that the Super Nintendo, still in my mind the undisputed king of consoles, had to bow out eventually. But the omens were good: Nintendo’s Ultra 64 was on its way. A 64-bit machine! Far better than the 16-bits of the SNES and the Sega Mega Drive, and still double that of the Sony PlayStation, released in 1995! The Ultra 64, later named simply the Nintendo 64, was released in the US in 1996 and Europe in 1997, already facing stiff competition from the PlayStation following its terrific launch and capacity for 3D games.

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