Metroid Fusion (2002)
I’d better declare something to you right now, so you know just what type of creepy sleazebag you’re dealing with here: I’m an absolutely world-class stalker. I particularly excel in the digital sphere, where I can find people’s entire life stories based off the smallest detail, like a plug socket, or the type of knitting used on their socks, all from the grainiest photo.
And I don’t have any of your fancy image recognition computers either, you know, where some smug, well-hung Fox Mulder PI can say “Enhance by 20”, and the computer somehow not only understands the verbal instruction but gets the photo resolution high enough to get the killer’s full gimp suit reflected in the whites of the victim’s eyes. No, I’m talking about the good old-fashioned method of having a hundred tabs open on your browser and combing through your mark’s entire online history.
Continue reading “Nothing gets the pulse racing like a harmless spot of online stalking”
Metroid: Zero Mission (2004)
I’ve been thinking lately about what’s been the worst event of my life. I just about managed to avoid soiling myself in school, which means I don’t have a guaranteed winner to submit here. Any other possibility I conjure up, they really all just fade in comparison to the one and only time I ever had to wear a wetsuit.
Continue reading “Man’s mission is to get her in zero clothes”
Metroid II: Return of Samus (1992)
Some men, and presumably some women, are born cynical, some become cynical, and some have cynicism thrust upon them. One becomes naturally more cynical towards modern trends as they become older. Actually, from what I’ve read online, a majority of people seem to become absolutely decrepit in their 30s, waking up in the morning with all kinds of new aches and pains which quickly become the norm, if they haven’t already woken up during the night to take a whizz.
These days you could probably measure how old you are, mentally, by pinpointing where in the social media tapestry you finally decided to bow out. I didn’t even go near TikTok, because I already knew I was a hundred years too old for it. But one of the more depressing trends that has grown lately, thanks mostly to how attention seeking it is, is gender reveal parties.
Continue reading “Congratulations, you’re going to be blessed with… a Baby Metroid and a life of monotony”
I saw a recent picture of Heather Locklear the other day and it was a sad sight, readers, a sad sight. You get this idea in your head that someone like Heather would be what you’d call ‘infinitely attractive’. As in, even after a thousand years, with the polar ice caps fully melted and we’re living in Water World, you’d still get Heather herself cutting about and looking head and shoulders above everybody else. I must sadly report that these days she’s a bit of a mess of collagen, puppy fat and wrinkly eyes, and her bolt is well and truly shot. I suppose it’s an unfortunate fact of life – everybody eventually declines with age. Everybody except Kylie, of course.
Continue reading “Put me in your best high heels, and I’d do no better”
Metroid Prime (2003)
I don’t usually get blown sideways by these cute pop culture comparisons that are meant to make me suddenly feel old. I already told you that I’ve had grey hair since about age 15. I have a properly lived-in face. I’m often to be found drinking Smithwick’s. I am old, there’s no way you can surprise me with anything. That is, until a throwaway YouTube comment had me nearly spitting out my Viagra and Deep Heat soup – Metroid Prime’s release date is closer to the original Metroid on NES than it is to today. And a slight detail that seemed to compound the pain tenfold – that was true as of 2018, never mind 2019.
Continue reading “Just let me reach for my Viagra Prime”
Super Metroid (1994)
You’re not going to believe this one, but I am actually responsible for the modern gaming phenomenon that is speedrunning. No, I’m serious this time. I first brought this craze to the world at a young age, when I amazed my pals and my brother at my ability to get through levels of GoldenEye 007 for N64 at an almost inhuman speed. With a time of roughly 24 seconds on the Runway level in particular, I thought I was the king – and in fact I was, because my pals just couldn’t get near. And when they grew frustrated with my insistence on doing yet another run and instead suggested a jolly fun game of actual multiplayer, I scoffed at them until they took the hint and left.
Continue reading “Just call me Usain TAS because I’m the fastest gamer alive”
Metroid: Other M (2010)
Whenever we’re asked whatever it is we fear, we usually come up with all the stock answers; the dark, eerie clowns, Professor Snape. For me, it’s spiders. And not having the correct knife and fork with my boeuf bourguignon, that’s always ghastly. And also that one about always being watched by ducks – a real kicker when you live between a river and a canal, like I do. But one of the real fears we never reveal to others is our fear of change. We love the status quo, don’t we?
Continue reading “3D gameplay on a Wii Remote? Why not use it to paint the Sistine Chapel instead?”
Kid Icarus (1987)
Look, we’re all man or woman enough to admit it: when we were daydreamers, back in idyllic times and long before any ambition or aspirations we may have had were crushed beneath the indiscriminate gold-tasseled boot of the bourgeoisie, we wanted to make our own games. It seemed like it’d be the best gig ever, the absolute dream job. Our wish to be the one to actually create Super Mario Bros. 9 and soak up all the plaudits was a wish that took real pride of place in our list of unlikely careers, alongside astronaut… rock star… Hollywood actor or actress… or in my own tragic case, hand-model with some fast-food tasting on the side for extra shekels.
Continue reading “Stuck in a dead-end job? Don’t feel bad, you could be developing ports of Kid Icarus”