Ahh, the GameCube… little… purple… different… better

Nintendo GameCube (2002)

I try to make these pieces as relatable as I can, you know, and that really is the key word. Let’s face it, if I told you all about how I was the most popular kid at school, a jocknerd if you like, you wouldn’t find any relevance in what I had to say, would you? But if I tell you I was a loser socially, but the brainy stand-out in an ocean of intellectual pygmies around me, you’d find yourself nodding along in agreement, wouldn’t you?

Perhaps not, but I’ll try to strike as many chords with you as possible. After all, in a world of trends and memes, the biggest crime is to be different. And it seems we’re all used to putting on different faces, moulding ourselves into entirely different personalities, in order to play well with whoever we happen to be speaking to. How else can I be a working professional, while still laughing at farts and giving it the usual locker room talk with the lads?

Continue reading “Ahh, the GameCube… little… purple… different… better”

Nothing gets the pulse racing like a harmless spot of online stalking

Metroid Fusion (2002)

I’d better declare something to you right now, so you know just what type of creepy sleazebag you’re dealing with here: I’m an absolutely world-class stalker. I particularly excel in the digital sphere, where I can find people’s entire life stories based off the smallest detail, like a plug socket, or the type of knitting used on their socks, all from the grainiest photo.

And I don’t have any of your fancy image recognition computers either, you know, where some smug, well-hung Fox Mulder PI can say “Enhance by 20”, and the computer somehow not only understands the verbal instruction but gets the photo resolution high enough to get the killer’s full gimp suit reflected in the whites of the victim’s eyes. No, I’m talking about the good old-fashioned method of having a hundred tabs open on your browser and combing through your mark’s entire online history.

Continue reading “Nothing gets the pulse racing like a harmless spot of online stalking”

Just let me reach for my Viagra Prime

Metroid Prime

Metroid Prime (2003)

I don’t usually get blown sideways by these cute pop culture comparisons that are meant to make me suddenly feel old. I already told you that I’ve had grey hair since about age 15. I have a properly lived-in face. I’m often to be found drinking Smithwick’s. I am old, there’s no way you can surprise me with anything. That is, until a throwaway YouTube comment had me nearly spitting out my Viagra and Deep Heat soup – Metroid Prime’s release date is closer to the original Metroid on NES than it is to today. And a slight detail that seemed to compound the pain tenfold – that was true as of 2018, never mind 2019.

Continue reading “Just let me reach for my Viagra Prime”

Just call me Usain TAS because I’m the fastest gamer alive

Super_Metroid_logo

Super Metroid (1994)

You’re not going to believe this one, but I am actually responsible for the modern gaming phenomenon that is speedrunning. No, I’m serious this time. I first brought this craze to the world at a young age, when I amazed my pals and my brother at my ability to get through levels of GoldenEye 007 for N64 at an almost inhuman speed. With a time of roughly 24 seconds on the Runway level in particular, I thought I was the king – and in fact I was, because my pals just couldn’t get near. And when they grew frustrated with my insistence on doing yet another run and instead suggested a jolly fun game of actual multiplayer, I scoffed at them until they took the hint and left.

Continue reading “Just call me Usain TAS because I’m the fastest gamer alive”

3D gameplay on a Wii Remote? Why not use it to paint the Sistine Chapel instead?

 

metroid_other_m_logo.png

Metroid: Other M (2010)

Whenever we’re asked whatever it is we fear, we usually come up with all the stock answers; the dark, eerie clowns, Professor Snape. For me, it’s spiders. And not having the correct knife and fork with my boeuf bourguignon, that’s always ghastly. And also that one about always being watched by ducks – a real kicker when you live between a river and a canal, like I do. But one of the real fears we never reveal to others is our fear of change. We love the status quo, don’t we?

Continue reading “3D gameplay on a Wii Remote? Why not use it to paint the Sistine Chapel instead?”

6 of Gaming’s Most Depressing Game Over Screens

game over screen banner

of Gaming’s Most Depressing Game Over Screens (2014)

I don’t care how good a retro gamer you are, every single one of us has had to choke down the indignity of witnessing the Game Over screen in games – the more dull-witted gamers have probably had to suffer this embarrassment time and time again. NES-era Game Over screens tended to be simple white-text-on-black-background affairs and more often than not were plagued with some questionable grammar (even apart from “Game Over” itself, as if that phrase makes any sense).

But as games became more imaginative and interactive, the Game Over screens followed suit. Here are six of the more depressing retro Game Over screens that many of us have had to sit through before we could endeavour to try again. Whichever of the games on this list you’ve played, you’ve probably seen the Game Over screen to it at least a dozen times. Enjoy!

Continue reading “6 of Gaming’s Most Depressing Game Over Screens”