Mario Kart DS (2005)
Every man out there who’s managed to convince a woman to stay in his companny for more than three days will have experienced that blood-curdling, spine-tingling text message that reads: “We need to talk”. I’m certain it’s taught as part of the curriculum in all-girls’ schools.
You know, a quick module they do just before they learn how to show indecisiveness about what they’d like to eat, and how to get the last word in arguments. Well, if you’re a male and you’re reading this, fear not because I have struck a blow for our whole gender – I have subjected a woman to the “We need to talk” routine.
Continue reading ““We need to talk… I think we’d be better just as Friend Codes””
Nintendo DS (2005)
I’m not going to start going at you about whatever the deal is with airline food, but if we’re ever gonna be allowed back on planes again without crowds of curtain-twitchers judging us and denouncing us as Satan, then we’ll have to think like travellers again. It’ll be back to sniffing out the best last minute deals, making that dicey decision about whether or not you really need to spend a tenner on travel insurance. And above all else, you need to make sure you have the right entertainment for the plane journeys themselves.
Continue reading “Has a mal-attended Pictochat room ever downed a plane?”
Legend of Zelda, The: Majora’s Mask 3D (2015)
So here’s your story prompt – you’re sat on the loo, taking care of business and picking your nose at the same time. Then it happens: a red alert warning pops up on your phone, screaming at you and informing you that an enormous meteor will impact Earth in three days’ time, and the cataclysmic smash will engulf us all. It’s a good thing you were sat on the throne, because this revelation’s really got things moving for you down there. It’s no false alarm like the nuclear scare that Hawaii had a couple of years ago either, this is a bona fide apocalypse you’ve got on your hands. What’s your next step?
Continue reading “Pop quiz, hotshot – there’s a moon about to flatten your borough. What do you do?”
Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS and Wii U (2014)
I’m always having to refute toilet graffiti, random WhatsApp messages and shouted street insults about me being some sort of Nintendo fanboy. But even I couldn’t help but delightfully squee like a constipated swine when Nintendo brought out an interesting new fighter for the Nintendo 64, featuring Nintendo characters, stages and items, all wrapped up into one veritable hit-parade of Japaneseness. A surprise birthday present from Nintendo to me, that’s what my old friend Shigsy told me via fax at the time.
Continue reading “Sakurai may have 100,000 demands, but all I ever needed was the Duck Hunt dog”
Splatoon 2 (2017)
When I paid full whack for Splatoon 2, I already knew that I was being a bit of a fool to myself. After all, it was Nintendo’s attempt at an online shooter, neither of which they can do very well. We all should have known that Nintendo’s approach to online play was going to be a stinker right from the very start. After all, you’ve never even been able to play so much as a DVD on any of their consoles, their last few consoles have been notably lacking in horsepower, and then there was the Virtual Boy. They’re not exactly forward thinking or tech-savvy, you might say.
So when the plans and features of their upcoming Nintendo Switch functionality were revealed, and gamers were expected to pony up cash for the first time, it was yet another don’t-know-whether-to-laugh-or-cry moment that Nintendo are famous for.
Continue reading “If you don’t lap up 3 NES games a month, Nintendo will vaporise you and your savefiles”
Legend of Zelda, The: Ocarina of Time (1998)
What a difference seven years makes. If I take a look back at my life seven years ago, it features me sitting in college doing nothing, after which I’d go to the pub or go somewhere to eat, then go home, play some games, harass a few women by text, and do it all again the next day. Now though? I go to work, do little… then go to the pub… somewhere to eat… hmmm, even the harassment still features. So maybe I have to be somewhat less profound here and conclude that, after seven years, nowt has changed for me. Which is just the way I like it.
Continue reading “Seven years might seem a long time, but try an 18-month delay”
The World Ends With You (2008)
Have you ever visited the website urbandictionary.com? It’s this fantastic user-generated trove of slang and turns of phrase from regions all over the world. It’s a real eye-opener: I now know that my name means a “huge sarcastic asshole that ends up becoming amazingly sweet”, and that I am in possession of both moobies and a chode. There’s hundreds o’ thousands o’ bits o’ vernacular backchat on there, definitions for just about any colloquialism you’ve ever heard, and racism that I didn’t even know existed.
Continue reading “Donkey punching is tame when it comes to Urban Dictionary”
Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)
They say you shouldn’t believe in tiers in the Smash Bros games, but let’s face it – they exist. Why else would Fox be the person you turn to on Final Destination, with not a single item to be seen? If you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about, then you’re obviously not up on your Smash Bros. And I wouldn’t blame you, because it’s some pretty competitive, in-depth stuff, and all of that frightens me. It really does! I’m not at all interested in how well Dankey Kang does against Metal Knight on the Pokeymon Stadium level or how good Charmanderzard is at fighting against Browser – none of that means much to me.
I’d much prefer to rate the characters in more practical terms, by assessing how they’d do in a real fight. In particular: how would they do in the classic throwdown that is the pub brawl? You know the ones I mean: a few comments have been taken exception to, a couple of punches are thrown, glasses start to fly and there’s Begbie steaming in early doors.
Continue reading “Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 1)”
The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds (2013)
I have this frankly unnerving propensity for doing things the complete opposite way of how they really should be done. Manoeuvre, signal, mirror, that’s my motto behind the wheel. I tend to put the milk in before the sugar, which some tea authorities I know inform me is unfathomably wrong. And I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve tried to slip some baggy tracksuit bottoms down past my inevitably Nike-runnered feet.
So it proved to be the case again when a new handheld Zelda sequel, directly modelled on the best of the series in the Super Nintendo’s A Link to the Past, was announced. I should have had a penile accident, the good kind, right there and then. Instead I felt a combination of emotions, all of them negative. Disbelief! Panic! Fear!
Continue reading “Change isn’t to be feared, unless it’s 3D or Virtual Reality”
Lylat Wars (1997)
* Known as Star Fox 64 in the United States
Starwing (or Star Fox) for the SNES was a great game, in which you played as a talking fox named… er, Fox, who headed up the Star Fox team of four elite mercenary fighter pilots – the rest of the team being made up of Falco Lombardi, Peppy Hare, and the remarkably less talented fourth member, Slippy Toad. The Star Fox team were tasked with defeating the evil scientist Andross, as he led an invasion of the game’s galaxy, the Lylat System, and gained control of most of its planets. They would complete this task by use of four cutting edge fighter ships, called Arwings.
Starwing was the first 3D game for the SNES, a feat brought about by the engineering of the remarkable Super FX graphics accelerator chip, allowing the game to render polygons and advanced scrolling. This enabled Nintendo and Argonaut Software (co-developers of the game and the Super FX chip) to design the 3D scrolling rail-shooter which introduced Fox McCloud and company to Nintendo’s assortment of characters.
Continue reading “Lylat Wars/Star Fox 64 (Long)”