Puyo Puyo Tetris (2017)
As you lay there in bed at night, not really able to sleep, your thoughts begin to wander. Those idle dreams and ambitions you may have once had, and how they are no longer possible because you’re too old, too slow, and probably too ugly by now. Then you’ll remember some of the great nights out and social occasions you’ve lived, and how they all seemed to dry up at once and nobody was there to warn you about it. Having dented your mood for the night already, you seek just a bit more of that blissful drug called angst.
And, like a low valley drifter wandering his way through a sleepy town before finally, inevitably, hopelessly trudging to the doss house, your mind will eventually settle on reliving the most awfully embarrassing moments to have ever struck your life. Suddenly, you can forget about any sleep. Your teeth begin to itch. Your eyebrows move involuntarily. Your body groans and aches all over and your cheeks begin to redden. What kind of a social disaster are you?!
Continue reading “Wanna know the quickest way to get beaten up on the bus?”
Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle (2017)
People sometimes ask me why I don’t gamble, or why I love launching into unwanted explanations as to why gambling companies are the devices of Satan. In theory, I should love Paddy Power. They’re sort of Irish, like me. And better than that, they spend their days making mega bucks and they absolutely adore exploiting and robbing the poor. It’s sort of like my dream business model, so why do I want them to fail so badly?
Could it be their zany advertising, where sporting memes, contrived personalities and tap-in humour are made out to be more important and relevant than what’s actually happening out there on the pitch? Could it be that, in a moment of weakness, I find myself feeling sorry for the numbskulls they exploit? Or could it be that they, like all bookmakers, do everything they can to avoid paying out to winners, up to and including shutting down the accounts of people that win too much?
Continue reading “Gambling’s for mugs, and I’ll tell you more after the 3:30 at Kempton”
Mario Kart 8 Deluxe (2017)
Yes, it’s another remastered/redux/rehashed game this week. I know, I know, it’s rather stale isn’t it? But nothing could be considered stale about the Wii U’s Mario Kart 8, or its newer, more refined little brother, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe for the delightful Switch. Ah, the Switch. What a machine, eh? When I saw its revealed specs, I had it down as a dud in waiting. You know, 32GB storage space, seemingly poor battery life, still underpowered in comparison to the Sony and MicroSoft juggernauts – all of the same pitfalls that made the Wii U the most unimpressive doorstop you ever saw.
Continue reading “It’s all fun and games until there’s a Blue Shell inbound”
Snipperclips Plus (2017)
When I was out shopping with my girlfriend recently, I thought my life had passed me by – that’s how long she spends in the shops. But as a reward for my nine hours of patience, she decided to treat me to a new Nintendo Switch game – only for her to hold up Snipperclips Plus. I was apoplectic with rage. Are you mad, woman?! Didn’t you see DOOM out there on the shelves? How about Breath of the Wild? I already have the Wii U version of the game, and I did neglect you completely for 150 hours plus to play it, but still. There was even a Pokémon Tekken game back there for heaven’s sake.
Continue reading “I always said “I can’t draw”, but I had no issues drawing the dole”
You don’t need to know me particularly well to gather that I’m almost allergic to spending money. The way I see it, every little penny that I’ve tricked people into giving me is a hard-earned penny indeed. I’ll squeeze dosh from any man’s coffers – government, ignorant employers, family, the lot. I’ve even eyed up beggars’ cups on occasion – that’s how far I’ll go for a few quid.
Continue reading “Budget is my least favourite word in the dictionary”
The World Ends With You (2008)
Have you ever visited the website urbandictionary.com? It’s this fantastic user-generated trove of slang and turns of phrase from regions all over the world. It’s a real eye-opener: I now know that my name means a “huge sarcastic asshole that ends up becoming amazingly sweet”, and that I am in possession of both moobies and a chode. There’s hundreds o’ thousands o’ bits o’ vernacular backchat on there, definitions for just about any colloquialism you’ve ever heard, and racism that I didn’t even know existed.
Continue reading “Donkey punching is tame when it comes to Urban Dictionary”