Mario Bros. (1986)
It strikes me suddenly, with no reason and over 35 years later, that for a supposed plumber I’ve never actually seen Mario do anything you’d call plumbing. He’s clambered through a few pipes alright, and he undoubtedly got up to some messy waterworks while on holiday in Super Mario Sunshine. But when have you actually seen him get down on his hands and knees and fix the gunge and rubbish coming out of those nasty pipes?
Continue reading “Don’t feel sorry for the plumbers, they’re well used to being knee-deep in it”
Obviously, since I’m as near to 30 years old as makes no difference, the chances of me becoming any kind of pro sportsman these days are a bit remote, to say the least. That doesn’t mean I can’t drift off into some kind of fantasy world on occasion however, like we all do.
I’m talking about the kind of fantasy where I ask myself those kinds of questions that lead on into a fun, artificially constructed second life until somebody, usually the missus, notices that I’m starting off into space. I’ll be sat there, drooling and everything, all absentminded, and she’ll ask me what’s wrong. I’ll tell you what’s wrong shall I, I was just crowned Super Lazarus Sportsman Personality of the Year and you’ve put me right off my internal acceptance speech.
Continue reading “A good gaming session spoiled”
It turns you quite obsessive, the pursuit of money. Any single purchase I make, whether large or small, has me thinking about what impact it’ll have on my bank account – the fact that there might be a week, a day or even an hour when my numbers don’t go up, that’s the kind of thing that wakes me up in the middle of the night. I work far too hard bringing those numbers up, so to witness them going down, it doesn’t sit right with me at all. I’d say we went badly wrong when we invented money, because all it’s ever caused me is great concern and stress.
Continue reading “A bit of ducking and diving, and you’ll Scrooge your way to a million”
Double Dragon II: The Revenge (1989)
There’s a lot of things that a man can do when the missus is away. Living with your missus is great at first, because you know you can come crawling to her for some debasement anytime you want. You’d better be able to offer something in return, though, or you can forget all about it.
My suggestion is to learn a few cooking skills, which will always impress her, and keep you from having to eat takeaway every time she’s not arsed cooking for your sorry self. Your dad will laugh at you and your mother will want you around every day to do her cooking as well, but otherwise, the missus will probably make your initiative worth it.
Continue reading “You want a lads’ night in? Only if you can build a good fort”
Bad Dudes (1990)
Those delectable US Presidential Elections, eh? They come around every four years, with a sad inevitability, and it’s not long before you’re just sick of hearing about them. Election season always prompts me to Google the meaning of the electoral college, since I always forget what it means and how it’s different from the popular vote. Ultimately it’s a system where the person who gets the most votes might not win, which tells you all you need to know.
Continue reading “Let ex-President Trump know you’re a bad hombre”
Tecmo Bowl (1989)
I’ve had a patchy relationship with American Football over the years. In the first instance, I don’t understand the game at all. And that’s the kind of thing that always makes me feel intellectually inadequate, because the stereotypical NFL fan is always the exact same.
You know, the squash-a-beer-can-against-their-head, wife-beater-wearing ignorant type of gun toting person. They seem to get what’s going on in a game. I don’t know, maybe they just like to see the numbers go up, and because there’s bigger and better numbers in American Football than there is in soccer, it’s got to be a better game. But even rugby seems to be more cerebral, when you look past games of soggy biscuit and peeing in your fly-half’s pint, so that doesn’t make sense either.
Continue reading “Three hours to make six yards, there you go, I’m a statto”
Kirby’s Adventure (1993)
I have decided that I’m not going to be late for anything anymore. I know, I know, it sounds quite impressive but you may hold your applause. Don’t think that I’ve turned over a new leaf or anything weak like that. I’m not suddenly going to become the best timekeeper in the world, nor am I going to win half the battle of adult life by turning up to places on time. I just mean that I’m going to live my life like that Gandalf fella.
Continue reading “Will the little pink blob eat up all your time, or is he too late for that?”
Metal Gear (1987) (NES)
I’ll tell you what’s an underrated feeling, and that’s the feeling of being comfortable and settled in your job. I’m going to impart some employment wisdom to you here, although you probably ought to keep in mind that I was once the most unemployable man in Ireland, and anytime I touch a computer I seem to trash it somehow.
Firstly, it seems to be a pretty established fact now that if you want to maximise your career earnings, you need to leave your job every 1.5 or 2 years – the increases you’ll get as starting wages elsewhere will far outstrip whatever raises your current employers will give you.
Continue reading “Ask Snake to get you tartan paint, rubber nails or a Diet Guinness and see how he does”
Captain Planet and the Planeteers (1992)
I’ve done it, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve gone green. Seriously, I now have a green bin to maintain these days, alongside two other wheelie bins. And knowing what to put in each bin is always a headache, because you can’t just throw anything you want into the green bin and then feel good about yourself later, oh no.
I’ve come to learn that not everything can be recycled. I even learned just the other day about soft plastics and hard plastics. Now, what on earth? It’s just another way that the Green Party slows you down. The Green Party indeed, or the Headache Party as I call them. You must never vote for them. An Irish politician once said that, if the Green Party had their way, we’d all been going to work on ass and carts, and I’d have to agree with that.
Continue reading “Spend more money to have less fun, otherwise you’re sectarian against the environment”
Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse (1992)
When I heard that they were going to do a Castlevania series on Netflix, I was pleasantly surprised, in spite of myself. It wasn’t the kind of surprise I would have expected from Netflix because, and you can lambast me all you want for saying it, but there’s an awful lot of guff on Netflix.
It’s really little wonder you don’t see TV or film reviews on there anymore. Some of the film choices are appalling – only the female Ghostbusters is on there in my region, leaving the original version out entirely. I know Netflix is more about TV series and boxsets, but they’re not always winners either.
Continue reading “Castlevania whips up a double helping of frustration and animation”