If you’ve got nothing nice to say… maybe die and never come back?

Kid Icarus: Uprising (2012)

I want you to dispense with any good mood you may have had, and try to think about the people who annoy you most in your day-to-day life. For my own example, I’m frequently aggravated to the point of gnashing and grinding of teeth on the bus when I share a deck with this guy who phones other people all the time, and I do mean all the time. I’m serious, this cllown must go through his contacts list, whoever was idiotic enough to give their number to him anyway.

I could almost handle it if the conversations had any juice in them at all – I love to eavesdrop on recently released criminals who I also share a bus with, because when they’re talking about peope getting filled in with hacksaws then you cannot help but take notice. But this telephonic bete noire of mine just talks athe most mundane rubbish about his day to anybody. It’s not like he’s a doddery old fool either, he can’t be that much older than me – and before you laugh, I ain’t doddery, not yet, actually, what was the question again?

No sooner has the most tediuos chatterbox in the world finished one conversation ten he is straight onto the next pigeon. They’ll even pretend that their receptions gone, evidenced by our man saying “hello”, “are you still there” and “what’s your favourite humming noise” a dozen times. And do you know what he does then? By God, you’ve got it in one – he rings them back and says “sorry, I think I lost you there”. He’s got no shame, this lad. Well, his type never do, do they?

There’ll be a new contender in this areana of annoyance though, because we’re back to dealing with the incredible fragile Pit in the latest and hopefully last Kid Icarus game, Uprising for 3DS. One thing you may already know about me is that I have what you’d call a hate-hate relationship with the Kid Icarus series. The first game on NES was absolute cack and then they spat out a Game Boy version which was even worse.

So when I witnessed more than one online imbecile saying that Kid Icarus: Uprising on 3DS was one of the best ever, a great update to the series, a very funny piece of work, will make your privates tingle etc. etc. then even an ignorant swine like me sits up and takes notice. After all, it was spearheaded by that man Sakurai-san, and if it wasn’t for him, well, we wouldn’t even be gathered here today.

You’re always worried that an extremely hard-working man like Sakurai is only a few bad days away from going completely over the top, Falling Down style, and it looks like Kid Icarus broke the man’s back here. You would not believe the control scheme in this game. Retailers probably couldn’t believe it either, when the game came into them in a larger cardboard box that contained an entire dedicated stand, for God’s sake.

Even with that, and I have to assume that you’re not a genetic freak here, but I imagine you were born with the regulation two human hands. If that’s the case, then I’ve got some disressing news because KI:U is not the game for you – anyone less than three paws simply need not apply. So maybe your dog could get.some wear out of it, although I supsect he’d whine at the prospect, or growl at it and bury it and the ridiculous hunk of plastic stand out your back garden instead.

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