Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 11)
It’s been pretty emotional, and stressful to the body too, you know. I have to sit down and imagine what it would be like if I was relying on, say, Sonic the Hedgehog, to bail me out of a pub pagger. And if he can’t, I have to imagine what it’s like to get a clump in the head off the biggest, most boozed up nutter at the forefront of the aggro. To do this, I hit myself in the head as hard as I can while screaming for help from the Ice Climbers. You can call it method writing.
So you needn’t be too sad about these pieces coming to a conclusion, because it’s all a load of nonsense anyway and there probably isn’t a single character in Smash Bros Ultimate who sitting alongside won’t get you targeted and bullied, apart maybe from Snake. And one of these days, you never know, I may do a tier-list for every single Smash Bros song based on their suitability to a pub Spotify playlist. Would you read that…?
82. Min Min
Now we’re talking – it’s true to say that if you head out on a night out with Min Min, you’re more likely to be going to a noodle bar, which dont feature much alcohol and even less fighting. Still, one can hardly blame her, becaue a nice ramen is like nectar to the Greek Gods. Speaking of nectar, bringing Min Min to a proper warts-n-all bar is terrific because with those extendo-arms of hers she won’t even have to stand up and go to the bar to get the drunks for yous. She can probably even pull the pint sherself and operate the register, so you can just wilt into your comfy pub armchair, preferably with a fire roaring nearby, and not have to worry about standing up until you’ve broken the seal. As for fighting ability, well, the ARMS characters smash people up for a living, so she’s ten out of ten on that one as well. Quite a looker too if you can get past the noodle spring arms, although you’ll have trouble chatting her up unless you’ve mastered Mandarin – which actually is easily done, if you have enough drink taken.
83. Steve / Alex
I’m afraid I have to immediately disqualify Steve, and indeed Alex, from consideration in the pubfight stakes for several reasons: firstly, he isn’t very durable. Sure, he can craft himself some top class armour and weaponry, but it doesn’t mean we all bring our shanks and bullet-proof vests to the pub, now does it? He’s also only really good for daytime drinking, which is an amazingly fun pastime don’t get me wrong, but you need to go into the night and Steve is all at sea when the sun goes down. Next, he’s not exactly Mr. Personality, in fact he’s literally a square, or several of them. He’ll make even a beast like you appear interesting, but generally Steve wouldn’t be the type of person to enhance your social reputation. You’d avert his eyes if he tried to catch your attention at the bar, put it that way. Finally, and this may be the worst of all, he’s one hell of a noisy eater.
In the old days of Only Fools & Horses, Sephiroth could have been one of the geezers that Del Boy mistakenly chatted up at the bar. Better not underestimate Sephy though because once the punches start rolling, he can respond with the biggest, most anime sword you’ve ever seen. Actually it’s so long and unwieldy that if he swings it once, he’ll probably take the heads off about fifty people, yourself included – he ain’t loyal to anyone except his headless mother. He does have a bit of a reputation for overreacting does old Sephiroth, which is why if you particularly rile him up, he’ll respond with his Supernova attack that quite literally destroys all of the planets in the Solar System. He can even do this multiple times. A devastating counter to Mad Fatso Byrne, but not much good when both you and the pub go up in flames as well. Personally if I was going for another Final Fantasy character I’d have picked Mog the Moogle or somebody. Who am I kidding, it had to be Final Fantasy 7, but just a shame it wasn’t classic Tifa, with those Bristols like beachballs.
One day, a perverted Japanese man (though no more perverted than the national average) sat down and thought up the most ideal waifu he could. Enormous breasts were a must, as always. No complaints there. She had to be capable of fighting for her man, who was incapable of looking after himself. She had to be relentlessly nice and soft-spoken – no sharp tongue, and definitely no arguments. It’s always a great help when she can cook as well. Pyra was born. And because there always has to be magic and flashing lights and special effects and bells and whistles with these types of anime sexual fantasies made real, the pervert in question made Pyra a Fire-type Pokémon Blade. The upshot of all this is that you wouldn’t bring a gal like Pyra to a dingy boozer, she’s much too nice for it. Also all the lads will be ogling her, and any harm she takes, you take as well – that’s part of the contract. If things really get bad, she’ll either burn the whole place down, or transform into her grouchy alter-ego. Ah, so in the end, she’s just like any other woman really, isn’t she?
With the exception of the large gazongas, that is, the gigantic bajokners, or should I say the mega baloobas, Mythra is the complete opposite of the Japnease fantasy that Pyra outlines above. She’s got a sharp tongue, but if you try and give her a swift bit of treatment, Sean Connery style, she’ll just get there first and roast you with the light of judgment. She’s dreadful at cooking as well, which is a classic anime trope. You wouldn’t want her to be serving up the carvery, that’s for sure. It all comes down to how she dresses really, but either way I think people are going to stare. And when the nutters start staring, and you can feel their eyes on you like a laser, that’s when you eventually have to look back – or more likely, Mythra will make some disparaging comment on your behalf, and then it’s daggers drawn and you’ll probably take a hiding. I’d say stick with Pyra, to be safer, but the choice is yours – coffee, milk, or both?
I can get the rationale behind going drinking with a bloke like Kazuya. He’s from pretty powerful stock, and you may have already dealt with nepotism in the workplace before – keep the boss’s nippers sweet and you’ll be alright. Keep them sweet enough and you might be allowed into the elite inner circle. Kazuya’s status as heir to the Mishima corporation makes him a ideal target to suck up to, and simperingly buy a few drinks for on a night out. Or does it? The first thing you need to know about Kazuya is that he’s one hell of a mean fighter, who can throw out meaty combos like dilly-o. If he gets the chance to mentally press Start and check his movelist, he’ll be even more of a hellish fighter in a pub brawl. But here’s the kicker – the man can’t handle his drink. No really, as the night wears on, and as Kazuya becomes more and more inebriated, he becomes progressively more violent and bloodthirsty. It’s almost as if something in his spine cracks, his nature, demeanour and countenance change, and suddenly Kazuya has a menacing glint in his eye. There’s a real devil inside him, and divilment is one thing, but devilment is quite another. His sanity has fallen off a cliff, along with his sobriety, and you may be following it over if you’re not careful. Keep him on your good side though, and he’ll absolutely clean house – but between you and me, if I had to pick someone better, I’d go with his old man.
Bit of a spice boy I know, but that shouldn’t deter you from a night-out with Sora. One thing that works both for and against Sora I reckon is that, if you’re really honest, you actually find Sora’s best mates, Donald, Mickey and Goofy, to be better laughs. But then, Sora’s a social butterfly and a half, being a “face” in the worlds of Disney, Pixar, Final Fantasy, and now Smash. He’ll bring you into the right circles, throw a bit of much-needed social status your way. It won’t stop people wanting to put their hands on him, which is why he lugs that big old Keyblade about. With that, plus a bit of the old Magic and Summon options, Sora will be well able to look after both of you in a pub brawl if it all comes on top. Better than that though, and what I suspect is the real reason he carries that Keyblade, is that he’s a young man who can be trusted with locking up the pub after the staff have gone home. And you know what that means, don’t you? That’s right, Sora’s your “key” man for a lock-in, a pub institution that I still haven’t partaken in despite it being my lifelong ambition. What could my problem be, do you reckon? Do they perhaps not trust my face? Either way, Sora has the credibility to open, or indeed close these doors for you. And that alone makes him a pub companion worth his weight in Munny.