6 Pokémon You Wouldn’t Want in Real Life (2019)
Any player of Pokémon has surely had a near nerdgasm at that fantastic idea of Pokémon being real. Even if it were just Pidgeys flying into your garden and eating Caterpies, you’d still lap it up. Even if these things already happen in nature, it’s all a bit mundane for you – why can’t there be 15-foot long blue worms living in the water that turn into humongous orange dragons if you feed them enough candies?
And why can’t there be a bee the size of a small child? Or an enormous squid that can take down buildings? But no – we have to get our Responsible Caps on, every once in a while. It just wouldn’t do if every Pokémon were real. Some of them are just downright dangerous, even in David Attenborough’s hands, never mind a snotty 10-year-old child. Here, we take a look at a full team of six Pokémon that one wouldn’t fancy the hassle of keeping in real life. Keep in mind that all six of these hail from the primitive first Generation of Pokémon Red, Blue and Yellow. I have to cater for the casuals sometimes, don’t I?
One of the most well-known Pokémon, Snorlax is often sought out in the games because it’s a very strong Normal type Pokémon and can hold up its own against all kinds of opponent, even the almighty Legendaries. Sounds boring, I know, but get this – the indescribably lazy and omnivorous Snorlax is a creature after our own hearts. According to the Spenglerdex, the creature weighs in at a whopping 1041.1 lbs (that’s 472.235 kg to, I don’t know, Eurasians). Now, some animals like the brown bear can have bigger waistlines than that, but we don’t keep them around in the back garden, do we? Well, maybe you’re Russian, and that’s exactly what you do.
Taking custody of a Snorlax and maintaining his happiness would require you to sustain or bolster his already generous build. To do that, you’d have to be able to feed it enough food to fill a medium-sized refrigerator to capacity – that’s without the shelves. Feeding something like that is just next to impossible unless you’re really financially well off. It takes hard work, dedication and a lot of money to have a programme like My 600-lb Life made about you, you know. Even so, who can do with that many trips to the supermarket?
Then there’s also the matter that, apart from eating, Snorlax doesn’t do much of anything other than sleep, and they don’t seem to care where they do it. Suppose you have a Snorlax, and it decides to sleep right in your driveway or blocking your front door. What then? Even if you wake it with a Poké Flute you’re in trouble – they get pretty grumpy when woken up early. Don’t we all?
A lot of people see Scyther and immediately think he looks cool. What’s not to love about wings and killer claw-blades? With those three-foot scythe-like claws on his arms he looks just like the perfect bodyguard. Great, wouldn’t you think? But what’s going to happen when this Pokémon’s blatant and famous bad temper gets the best of him and he decides to take it out on anyone close by? Primeape may have a poor temper, but at least the monkey doesn’t dual-wield blades. Make no mistake, Scyther is built to kill and when something is built to kill, it’s only a matter of time. You might be like one of those Pitbull owners who insist that their little babies would never hurt a fly.
Well, according to some Pokédex entries they can cut through logs with those scythes with one stroke. Can you do that with a knife? I’d even have trouble with a sword, I’m sure. Not to be gruesome, but if wee Scyther can cut through logs, then I should think they could easily remove limbs or decapitate individuals, and that includes your own children. Are Pokémon trainers allowed to procreate? Well, later games give Scyther the Swarm ability, which unfortunately indicates that if one of them happens to lay eggs and they hatch, you have a goddamned swarm of killer bugs flying around with the capability to slash through just about anyone who stood in their way. Isn’t that frightful?
We should thank our lucky stars that a Scyther hasn’t evolved and cropped up in real life up until now, survival of the fittest and all that. This Pokémon would be a danger to all who live in the area, even more dangerous than… I don’t know, a runaway lion. Even if you could train it not to attack people, what happens if it gets hungry and those neighborhood pets start looking tasty? It’d look cool to have a Scyther by your side, but take it from me – sometimes coolness costs.
And they say Pokémon designs these days are uninspired and lazy. Well, Muk is probably THE most poisonous Pokémon of the first Generation. They’re said to be so toxic that even their footprints are dripping with poison. The Pokédex mentions, as if you needed to be reminded, that they smell rotten, so just being around them is nasty. Pokédex entries also claim that they blend in with the ground so they;re hard to see. Not sure how you wouldn’t see a 66 pound lump of waste, but there you go, you’ve been warned.
Mix all this together and you have a living biohazard. With one of these in your house, you simply would not be able to live there. Any plants you’ve lovingly tended to would be killed off in record time, to say nothing of the pets, and you or your poorly paid foreign cleaner would have to be constantly cleaning or wearing hazmat suits just to be able to move around the house without getting fatally poisoned. Muk is sort of embarrassing looking to begin with, so not only is this a Pokémon that you wouldn’t want people seeing you with, but also the kind of Pokémon other people can’t let you away with having.
The entire neighborhood would be inconvenienced by the smell, and will be only too well aware of how much their house values are plummeting. And if that Muk ever wandered away, there goes all the neighborhood plants and possibly bad poisoning for the people – a pandemic, all caused by you. As Muk dishes out one of his trademark middle finger gestures, his poison coagulates into the ground, and nothing would grow there until year of our lord 4519. So by simply existing, Muk would kill off things for years to come; destroy property values in a ten-mile radius; would be completely unpleasant to be around; and throughout all of this, it’ll be flipping you off with a slimy hand. Why not get yourself a nice Clefairy instead?
You knew this Pokémon would have to be here. Gyarados is possibly the most dangerous non-legendary Pokémon of the first Gen. The Pokédex claims that entire cities have been wiped out by Gyarados (which cities? Citation needed?). For obvious reasons, this kind of Pokémon is not something you want. When you’ve got a Pokémon that can raze buildings and is known for its violent nature, there’s a bit of a huge problem. A huge problem as in “this Pokémon I’ve had since he was a slovenly red fish is actually a weapon of mass destruction and I could face the electric chair just for having it” kind of huge problem.
Some people would naively think they can quell the creature’s rage by treating it kindly from its early days as its laughable pre-evolution, Magikarp. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way – it certainly didn’t for James in the anime, although admittedly his Magikarp wasn’t the most cared for. I’m just saying, if you’re flying over to Paris to propose to your missus, Gyarados is not really the type of Pokémon to have around you. Can you imagine being the one that caused the destruction to Notre Dame cathedral?
Then there’s also that matter of where you’re going to keep one. Being that Gyarados are water Pokémon, you’d have to live near a large body of water, keep it well stocked with fish and any other kind of food that it’d eat and it’d probably have to be constantly given attention to keep it from getting angry. Gosh, I could see Gyarados stretching out of its water and eating nearby dogs and dogwalkers as well – a spooky local mystery. If the city didn’t come down on you like a ton of bricks for having such a dangerous creature around, the environmentalists certainly would, which would be a little bit embarrassing for all concerned. The lesson here is to look after your raging water dragons, else you shan’t be allowed to have any.
Compared to flesh eating water snakes and furious blade-wielding insects, Alakazam seems positively tame. It doesn’t seem that dangerous, it was never said to be violent, it doesn’t even look all that physically strong (and it isn’t)… but you definitely wouldn’t want Alakazam near you because, simply, they’re smarter and more powerful than humans ever could be. They are said to have a massive IQ of 5000. According to the Guinness Book of World Records the highest IQ recorded is a measly 210, though that category was removed due to the idea that IQ tests don’t really tell you anything substantial. Sure, try telling that to Alakazam – that’ll confuse him.
All the same, this Pokémon is also said never to forget anything and it has powerful telekinetic and telepathic capabilities. I’m sure you’ve got some bad memories of people who’ve done you wrong in the past. So imagine if you could remember every single bad thing that was ever done to you and you have the power to do just about anything you want to the offender. What makes things worse is that humans mostly get by on their own intelligence. So does it really sound like a good idea to have a Pokémon around that’s far smarter than humans could ever be? I could see even just one or two of these things enslaving us all. After all, if Alakazam can beat the AlphaZero AI at chess, who else could stop it?
Add to this the fact that the Pokémon could do a number of things to you just by thinking about it – you effectively have a creature that you’d have no defense against, should it turn hostile. And why wouldn’t it? What kind of 5000 IQ superbeast would be happy taking orders from doomed, mouthbreathing fleshbags like us? If it really can read your thoughts, you’d have to guard not just your mouth but your mind as well, to avoid getting it mad. You’ve got the thought police in a Pokéball. Everyone has hostile thoughts every now and then, and Alakazam is the Pokémon you’d probably want to avoid crossing more than any other. One rogue daydream is all it’d take to have this spoonbender plotting against you.
But at least Alakazam can (hopefully) be subdued by physical means eventually. Not such a viable option for this beast. Charizard is probably the favourite first Generation starter Pokémon for most players. They were everywhere on the schoolyard battlegrounds, it even survived the Generation 8 Pokédex cull. A lot of Zard’s popularity is probably mainly due to Zard’s looks – it’s definitely a hit with the local Beavises in your area. Charizard is possibly the most dangerous starter Pokémon you could find in any of the Pokémon games, really.
The first problem, of course, is its flaming tail. Even as a Charmander they can and will start fires just because they aren’t paying enough attention to where their tails are. The Pokédex entries for Charizard also claims that its flames can melt boulders and it’ll often start forest fires “unintentionally”. Right there, you’ve got the problem. Fire is still the most destructive element on the planet. While we have earthquakes and tsunamis that aren’t too funny, over the years, fires have still caused more death and destruction than anything else.
When a Pokémon can breathe fire so powerful that it can’t even control where it goes, and when it even has a constant flame burning that it can’t control, you’re asking for trouble. The anime Charizard was famously disobedient as well, even to its long-time trainer Ash (as most strong Pokémon would be, given Ash’s meagre abilities, but still). If your six foot pyromaniac dragon can’t even be controlled by its owner, then there’s a bit of an operational risk here. Just being close enough to the flames could send your perm alight. That’s quite a way to lose friends, not to mention your eyebrows.
13 December 2019