Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 8)
At long last, we’ve gotten to the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate portion of the Pub Fight Tier List. Well, when they said “Everyone is here”, they weren’t jesting. Although perhaps they were, because Waluigi has already become an infamous omission, Bomberman is in merely as an Assist Trophy, Rayman relegated to the life of a Spirit. And there’s still no sign of the dancing shopkeepers from Secret of Mana, unless the DLC brings good news. You have to wonder just what kind of a brain-drain has happened in the Nintendo and Sora Creative Departments.
I don’t know who Lucina is and I don’t want to know either. OK, I do know that she’s some sort of Marth clone. I think her trophy information alludes to her dressing up as Marth because he’s the legendary hero and the symbol of hope or something. Well, having played 10 minutes of the Fire Emblem series, I would have to speculate that, in true anime style, Lucina is actually the female alter ego of Marth that gets released from his body just as he’s about to die by impalement on the antagonist’s 15-foot sword. This female alter-ego may look 8 years of age but she is actually 5,000, so no legal ramifications there. And of course, she is tsundere, which is Japanese for “a right moody cow”. All of this ridiculous misdirection I’m feeding you here may give you the impression that Lucina isn’t very well equipped to deal with pub riots. And you’d be right!
60. DARK PIT
If you’re going to hang out with Dork Pit, you can hardly be surprised when a load of boozed up hardnuts want to smash your face in. That might sound like victim blaming, but consider this – regular Pit doesn’t exactly get an easy time of it. There are some pubs you find yourself walking into where the music stops and all the tattooed nutters give you the evil eye straightaway. You should probably run immediately – that’s what Pit would do. Dark Pit would try to be defiant, stride over to the bar and confidently demand a drink. He won’t rein it in here either by just growling “pint” at the barkeep, oh no, he’ll say “Bloody Mary” as loud as he can. The net result of this, of course, is that he’s going to get you killed. Dark Pit will start the barfight himself, and it’ll end quickly and badly for you both. Not only that, but as you’re laying prone on the concrete outside, nursing your wounds and mopping up the blood, he’ll sullenly blame you for everything. Don’t do yourself a disservice by indulging this non-entity, he is the company that nobody asked for.
A real connoisseur’s choice. Even top dogs little Little Mac or Snake have their weaknesses, in Snake’s case it’s his overall fragility when discovered and in Mac’s case it’s being under 5 foot tall. Ryu, meanwhile, ticks all the boxes – he is quite literally a Street Fighter, ready to throw down anywhere, anytime, and he sports Shoryuken uppercuts powerful enough to tear a massive scar in Sagat’s chest. Sagat, with his hulking presence, roided-up musculature and lack of hair pretty much fits the bill of many of the pub’s best goers, so this fight will be a bit of a busman’s holiday for Ryu really. One Hurricane Kick from the mighty Ryu may be all you need to see you through safely. Or he can go back to his old reliable tactic of spamming Hadokens at all and sundry. Ryu does have a bit of difficulty moving on a 3D plane, but after nine pints of falling down water, doesn’t everybody?
It took me aeons to actually play Final Fantasy VII, and by the time I did I had Cloud down as very much the stereotypical JRPG protagonist, all moody and brooding and “…” answers. So when you play the PS1 classic and he’s doing goofy squats and telling his friends to ‘mosey’, you wonder what exactly happened. I don’t know what kind of Cloud will show up to your little pub playdate, but his humongous Buster Sword will be well-placed to do some serious work, and if you’re really in trouble he can summon massive creatures like Bahamut. Watching this summon animation will take minutes off your life, of course, but maybe it’ll give you something to do as you queue up at the bar (Budweiser for you, Honey Bee Panty Juice for him).
Obviously nobody knows who Corrin is, which adds a certain layer of mystique. What we do know is that he (or she?) is the 42nd Fire Emblem representative in Smash Bros. And it’s not exactly good company for Corrin here, given that none of the Femblem posse have been rating particularly highly on this here pub tier list. Barefoot too, that won’t help when the pint glasses go thundering off the floor. Probably the worst strike here is that Corrin’s a bit of a loudmouth. It’s well and good shooting your mouth off when you’re part of a marching protest or something, and you’ve got strength in numbers. You don’t do it when you’re the only person in the pub dressed in some sort of faux-futuristic medieval armour and about nine layers of makeup. I’ll say this though, that’s one mean looking sword. Makes Marth’s and Roy’s look a bit impotent by comparison.
If there’s one thing that gets the lads going, it’s a stripper. I don’t think anything could be more lower class than hiring out a stripper to make a surprise appearance at one of the lad’s birthday bashes down the local, but that’s what it’ll seem like when you enter with Bayonetta in tow. Indeed, you may find yourself having to ‘explain’ her several times during the night. A pity, since her wide range of moves that don’t at all put backsides in your face in a shameless manner put her right at the very top of the tier list as of Smash 4, and who knows what Smash Ultimate will bring. She’s got a lot to say for herself too has Bayonetta, so I’m foreseeing an event here where Bayonetta shoots her mouth off, lands you in trouble, arse-flips out of there and leaves you to face the music as she cackles gleefully. Stand by your man indeed.
You might consider Inklings to be a new species. Inklings straddle that line between human beings and squids, a line which I never knew existed. They’re battle-hardened too: it seems Inklings have nothing in life only to be signed up to combat as male and female child-soldiers. This combat is fought mainly on abandoned construction sites, and the only goal is to cover as much territory with your own colour ink as possible. It is difficult to see why this might be a good thing on the pub floor, because while the Inklings get eviscerated from suffering too much ink exposure, humans are just going to be left annoyed. You’ve got Nut-Nut Doyle, six-foot-five and bald as a coot, throwing headbutts left, right and centre. Then a goofy looking Inkling comes along with a big paint roller and covers Nut-Nut’s moccassins with purple ink. Not only that, the Inkling then splatters some more ink on Nut-Nut’s big bald head. This is not a transgression that can be forgiven, to say the least, and I doubt either of you will be surviving this. However, the Inkling can hide and swim in its own ink. You can’t – and that’s exactly what Nut-Nut will call you before knocking every tooth out of your head with one punch.
Daisy needs no introduction. Well, she probably does when you first meet her, but when she bellows “Hi, I’m Daisy!” for the millionth time at anyone in the bar who comes even close to making eye-contact with her, people are going to get fed up. Presented as an Echo Fighter for Peach, but more importantly presented as a possible love interest for Luigi, Daisy’s got that wild spark in her eye that tells you she’d be well up for it. I can see Daisy, against all odds and expectations, smash up any nutter that tried to have a pop at either of you, and she’d have the time of her life while she was doing it. Like all women with that manic glint and minxy smirk, there’s something in Daisy to be feared and desired in equal measures. Finally, I bet she absolutely loves a gargle.
To Be Continued!