Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 5)
Everyone is here! So goes the tagline for the upcoming Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. So also went the text you got off the below fighters, telling you to hit the pub tonight or suffer a terrible fear of missing out. Unfortunately what they didn’t tell you is that everybody will be kung-fu fighting – or worse, swinging broken bottles at innocent folk like you. Are you a bad enough dude to get out alive? Warning – high, potentially fatal levels of Pokémon content.
35. POKÉMON TRAINER
In Smash terms, it was looking like Pokémon Trainer was going to become a one-hit wonder – only Charizard had made it through to the next round of games, Smash 4. Smash Bros Ultimate is set to put paid to that, which is thrilling. When Pokémon GO had its infamous release, everyone was a Pokémon trainer… for a few days at least. But did you wear Gen 1 clothing and put on a husky Ash Ketchum voice when you went out looking for millions of Drowzees? Oh, you did? Well then, carry on! Of course, the Trainer doesn’t exactly fight by himself, which is handy for him, but he will be making suggestions from a safe place. So that’s great, having some snot-nosed punk shout terrible instructions at you from out the window while you take all the blows. No wonder his Pokémon get knackered so quickly. No, it’ll be up to his actual Mons to defend us. To wit:
A cabbage like Ivysaur probably has more business being served in the carvery lunches than restoring order in the lounge, but that’s what he’s here to do. He’s not the worst little battler in the world, but he’s only got 2 vines to restrain attackers with – and there’s going to be at least 8 of them after you. Maybe he could just pick you up with his vines, toss you outside to safety before facing the music and sacrificing himself in a mass of leaves and grass. But have you ever known a dinosaur to be so noble? It’s a pity this isn’t the Pokémon games, or maybe Ivysaur could powderise everyone in the room and put them to sleep. Or better still, paralyse them. Bit harsh perhaps, but they will be trying to do the same thing to you. As it is though, I can see shards of glass going through Ivy like a lawnmower cuts through wet grass (and my favourite toys).
While I’ve always wanted to go out on the tear with the Squirtle Squad, I don’t think one little Squirtle is gonna cut it. Not even my own Squirtle from 1998, the first Pokémon I ever owned, and therefore the strongest Squirtle of all time. I suppose he could be employed as a high-pressure water cannon, in a similar fashion to the rather effective water cannons that were blasted at England hooligan football fans during the World Cup in France (also in 1998, funnily enough). That might stop the hoodlums… or it might result in a lot of chairs and furniture being thrown your way in retaliation. Once that happens, I can see poor bulbous head Squirtle here being left with a broken shell, which is pretty much his only other means of attack. Squirtle old buddy, I love you, but you’re no use to me in a riot.
Now we’re talking. I don’t know what kind of anime-friendly (think gay-friendly but a whole lot more deviant) establishment you’d have to hit up that wouldn’t look oddly at an orange firedragon and a frightened human sharing a drink, but here we are. Every sucker in the world picked Charmander as their starter in Pokémon, but I think probably the most well-known Charizard is Ash’s. You remember that he danced rings around Ash and never listened to him? However, there was that episode with Magmar where he relished the thrill of a good fight, and gave it everything for his trainer. Now imagine the fight started and big, mean Charizard is looking to you for direction. You now have your own vicious dragon under your control, and he is ready to make short of the brawlers. Exquisite!
It’s a good thing that Sonic has a strong sense of justice and standing up for what’s right, because if he didn’t, you better believe he’d have sped out of that pub before you’ve even had time to blink. If you get lucky and a Smash Ball should come down the chimney, Super Sonic is powerful and mobile enough to absolutely clear house. Without this benefit though, Sonic does tend to be a bit weak. Also, I wonder how many rings he typically carries? Those things fairly fly out of him at top speed when he takes a whack, you know. What if they flew at you? They’d probably give you concussion, along with everyone else in the pub. He hasn’t got much of a moveset in Smash has Sonic – it’s just dashes and spins and blibs and blobs, and if he summons one of the Sonic Springs you’ll just bounce up and bash your head off the pub roof, leading to more concussion. Christ, what is it with Sonic causing brain injury? First Sonic Forces and now this.
40. KING DEDEDE
I don’t know what this overinflated penguin is the King of. Some terribly twee place in the nether regions of Kirby’s Dreamland, most probably. I’m just seeing him as a fatter Meta Knight with a hammer instead of a sword. Not looking good so far. He’s big and burly, it’s true, and he’s got some wonderfully colourful clothes. So he might be a bit of a target to assailants while you slip out undetected. But I can see this sneaky so-and-so selling you out to the hardnuts. Telling them you have a nice few juicy fifties in your wallet, that kind of thing. Even the protective soldiers he can summon are a bit pants – fragile Waddle Dees and Waddle Doos, but maybe the occasional Gordo spikeball that’ll take out more than a few eyes and cause a few nasty boo-boos. But I can see this treacherous bird hammering a few spikes towards you instead. I wouldn’t trust the King farther than I could launch him.
It’s lucky that Captain Olimar and the Pikmin got scaled up for the Smash Bros games – if you look in the Pikmin manual, you’ll see that little Olimar is actually smaller than a GameCube disc. Do you think Stuart Little would be much use in a pub pagger? Exactly. So we can take Olimar and his colourful pals as being taller, but still about the size of a child. But the Captain never has to worry about being ganged up on, because he can summon a loyal gang of luckless fools (that incldues you) at once, throw them at his targets, come together to fly him out of trouble, and generally do his bidding. The Pikmin pals are infinite, they are deadly, and they can swarm the nutters in no time. And when all is said and done, he can even blast you away to safety on his rocket ship. Watch the constabulary try to keep up with that. Ah, just one slight snag: oxygen is poisonous to Olimar’s species, so just one bad crack in his glass dome and you’re left with a load of Pikmin ghosts to sift through.
Everyone knows who Mewtwo is, but those who tuned out of Pokémon after around 2001 (and this was vital in school at the time, lest you be exposed as a prancing Walter and summarily battered) will have no idea who or what a Lucario is. Truth be told I’m not sure why bluesy here gets the top billing either, or why he is seemingly able to talk. “Telepathy”, they call it. Listen, why don’t we leave the talking to Meowth? Now there’d be a great pub companion. He’d unify the pub brawlers, have them conniving with him on some scheme or other. Lucario? Well, he has ‘Aura’ power, which gets stronger the more he gets beaten up. Seems promising for this particular caper, with plenty of volunteers waiting to strengthen Lucario’s Aura. But is it really much use when he’s already been put in Pokémon hospital? The lad looks impressive, but keep in mind he’s only 4 foot tall.
To Be Continued!