Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 4)
Our latest instalment in the now legendary Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List series brings us through to the newcomers from Smash Bros Brawl. The Wii title stands as the only game I’ve ever expressly imported to get it early, in this case from the US and with a nifty little absolutely-not-illegal device called the Freeloader disc. And to make me feel nice and old, Brawl released in the US just a little more than 10 years ago at the time of this piece being published. Makes me want to start a ridiculously contrived fight… Do enjoy!
27. META KNIGHT
Beneath the mask and assorted finery lays pretty much a dark blue Kirby. Never quite evil, never quite nice, and viciously overpowered in Smash Bros Brawl. I’m not altogether sure of a Kirby-esque creature that can’t copy, although his aerial abilities are no less impressive and he can probably cut all the hardnuts to ribbons with his (Galaxia?) Sword. What might get you in trouble here is that Meta is all about the chivalry and standing and fighting and all of that, and loves to challenge other opponents who he feels are strong. So he has no problem picking out the hardest case in the bar and getting directly up in his face. When someone eventually clips Meta Knight’s wings, they’ll want to move on to his second-in-command. Which, if you haven’t already fled the premises screaming by this stage, will be you. Oh dear.
We are only discussing these characters based on their Smash iterations. This is pretty good news for the angelic Pit here because his first outing, the nigh-worthless Kid Icarus on the NES, portrayed the poor young man as, well, a bit of a pilchard. With a health bar as long as a gnat’s willy, mercy invincibility that lasted about 3 nanoseconds (a big problem in levels that go on until Christmas) and an unusual knack for having his head replaced by an eggplant, Pit just didn’t have it. Come the release of Smash Bros Brawl though, Pit was absolutely everywhere online. Remember that? Pub Fight Pit probably strikes a balance between these two extremes – he’s got flight ability to get you out of there, he’s got two sharp blades, he’s got arrows, he’s got a massive shield that stops everything… but he probably needs all these during the night anyway to protect himself from infuriated nutters, because he does grate a bit, doesn’t he?
29. ZERO SUIT SAMUS
I have often wondered what it must be like to be an attractive woman caught in the middle of a boozy meatmarket. Actually, being honest, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be a workmanlike woman caught in a boozy meatmarket. Can you imagine the attention Samus would get? Especially if she heads out in a skin-tight leather effort. That way you can see she’s got bum and boobs to spare. And then she brings out the laser whip… Sorry, bit carried away there. Well, us gamers (read: neckbeards) like to imagine that Samus would recognise how we nicely helped her through dangerous planets like Zebes, Tallon IV and Aether. Some of us Nice Guys may even think we’re due a reward for all of this niceness. Then, as we sit there all night, us deluding ourselves into thinking we’re on a date with her, but barely able to meet her eye or speak to her, the swarthy Snake swoops in. Or worse, Captain Falcon races in. Or worse even than that, Little Mac punches in. They will all stand a better chance than you, they will all fight better than you, and anyway not even the most tatted up nutter would lay a finger on Samus in the midst of it all. So what does she need you for…?
You’re in for a bad time if you go drinking with Wario. First of all, he is the tightest, most money hungry cad there is, so all the rounds are going to be on you. Even if you’re 6 or 7 pints deep, he will have gone to the toilet at opportune moments or insisted on a water round or lost his wallet or tapped Waluigi for some dosh instead – he is just unbelievable in that regard. But worse than that, he’s a wind up merchant and always looking for trouble. If anything, it’ll be him starting the aggravation by trying to half-inch one of the women’s purses. And when the angered lads start heading your way, he’s going to let you down once more. Wario is a strong hoor, far stronger than the Mario Bros, but if things look bad and the two of you are at risk of being outnumbered, he will absolutely be using you as a shield. Worse than that, he’ll be making a swift escape the moment he gets an opportunity and you’ll be left for dead. Sounds unforgivable, but because he’s a good skin and a great laugh, you’ll still see him same time, same place the following week. What a card!
You’re always guaranteed a bit of long-winded night when you go out on the batter with Snake. I timed it last time the two of us were out and there was probably about 20 minutes of pint-drinking with about 4 hours of a story that went absolutely nowhere. And he always denies that he’s drunk as well. Even when he slips and falls down the stairs, he cites “nanomachines” as the reason. But there’s no-one I’d rather have in a foxhole than him. Wait, what? To be honest, he’s probably as likely to blow you up with C4 or a Nikita missile launcher than get you out of there alive. Probably his best bet is to sneak out of there before anyone sees him, preferably by clambering into a cardboard box of drink coasters and scurrying out, because he isn’t actually very durable once the enemies close in. In any case, once he high-boxes it out of there, where does that leave you? With a two-hour overwrought death scene and all kinds of exposition that makes no sense, that’s where.
Ike differentiates himself from the Fire Emblem pack by having a far bigger sword and being a bit more manly. Do large swords mean a warrior is compensating for something? Large swords like Ike’s Ragnell must have been like soft-top Porsches for the 15th century. In any case, the Ragnell is so heavy and unwieldy that he’ll probably take your head off in a slight miscalculation, in the same way that carrying a set of four pints in your two hands will inevitably lead to you spilling a drop on some Begbie’s black shoes/blue jeans – that’s bad news for you, but at least Ike can hop in with kicks, jumps and wild flipping moves called Aethers. I doubt I’d want any Fire Emblem character by my side in a pub brouhaha, but Ike is probably about the best of them. After all, he – yes! – fights for his friends.
33. DIDDY KONG
When we looked at Donkey Kong, we established him to be a lean, mean hairy machine that has the strength, speed and instinct to either smash through all comers or make a quick exit, whichever triggers his survival impulses the most. A bit treacherous, but what can you expect? Diddy here meanwhile, well, he’s had his own Donkey Kong Country adventures and he’s quick and nimble (when he needs to be). But let’s be honest, when the situation calls for strength, he relies on DK to carry him, or he wouldn’t cower behind Donkey’s back whenever a Krusha comes into view. So if anything, Diddy is just like you in that he’s not really gonna do so well looking after himself, let alone someone else. He does have an ace up his sleeve in the form of his Rocketbarrel jetpack, though have you ever tried to control that blasted thing in Donkey Kong 64? Now you’ve got a 300 pound man (not my guess, I’ve looked at the average visitor metrics see) as part of the equation as well. Maybe you’d be better off throwing banana peels on the floor instead, see does that set up any chain reactions. But probably you’ll end up just giving one or two of the nutters a sore botty, and they’ll not be best pleased.
Another magical young boy who’s unlikely to make it past the bouncers. Sneak Lucas in though, and you’ll have a durable little ally who can out-psycho the psychos. That said, he is more than a little bit of a coward, and certainly isn’t going to be as useful as Ness would be. You just have to hope that Ness isn’t one of the lads getting lairy in the pub, in a similar vein to the little skinhead from the famous video of ‘We Don’t Care’ by Audio Bullys. Where Ness uses a proper baseball bat, Lucas has a mere stick and where Ness has some sort of plasma grenade in PK Flash, Lucas has to be content with freezing opponents. To be honest, I can’t see Lucas having the strength of character to stand up for himself, tragic life that he’s had and all that, but maybe if you start barking orders at him and being unnecessarily harsh to him, you can bully him into protecting you. But could you really stoop so low?
To Be Continued!