On the seventh day, God rested. While He wasn’t looking, Codemasters nipped in


Micro Machines: World Series (2017)

In the beginning, Sega created Outrun, Rareware created RC Pro AM and Square created Rad Racer, and God said, Let there be racing: and there was racing. And these games were renowned for their time but were fraught with limitation, and the video game players of the Earth did cry out for a new racing game that could be played in multiplayer and that was madcap and accessible to all.

And then from out of the heavens came forth a new Saviour of Racing Games, and great was the jubilation among the gamers of the Earth. And its name was Micro Machines, and It had descended unto the Earth in many different guises, from NES to Amiga to SNES to Mega Drive, and It binded mankind together under one racing light.

And the 12 Apostles did also bind together to play some local multiplayer. And it was possible for the blessed Apostles to play 2 or even 4 player, and as days of yore passed it even became possible for eight of the divine Apostles to play at once. And great was the mirth among Jesus’ disciples.

And the lamb of God hosted many local multiplayer racing sessions among his people. As one such session passed, and the apostles convened in the garden of Gethsemane, John spoke unto Peter “Thou hast shot my tank to pieces for the last time, thou art going down!” Later,  Judas Iscariot did steer his four-by-four off the breakfast table and he did lament as he lost valuable seconds from his exalted lead.

And Matthew did similarly lament after driving his Formula One car into one of the pockets of the pool table, and it was seemingly lost, until there was a miracle and the car resurfaced from a different pocket. And the jubilation among the gathered watchers it was great.

In year of our Lord AD 2017, a wise man name of Lucifer appeared. And he came bearing a brimstone tablet similar to the Ten Commandments. And the wise man named Lucifer spake in a sinister voice unto the hellbound heathens who would be developers of Micro Machines: World Series.

Lucifer knew that the heathens were plotting to make a new messiah in a beloved series, and so he sought to tempt them into darkness. Lucifer assembled all of the developers and read his Ten Commandments to them thus:

I. Thou shalt leave thy software bereft of a single player championship

II. Thy online structure shalt be ridiculously slow-moving, limited and without lobbies

III. Thou shalt endeavour to construct thy online experience on loot boxes to gain filthy lucre

IV. Thy AI shalt be grossly overpowered

V. Thou shalt make unto your game a graven image of NERF sponsorship

VI. Thou shalt limit the car selection to 10, with virtually no difference betwixt them

VII. Thou shalt zoom the camera too far in to the blessed action and make it unfair for all disciples

VIII. Thou shalt ramp up the rubberbanding to daft extremes

IX. Thou shalt befoul thy software with uninteresting modes that take aeons to finish

X. Thou shalt abandon the software minutes after it releases

And the sacred developers did take heed of this advice and they set about working on a Micro Machines game designed to tap into nostalgia. There was a notable lack of PR from the patriarchs known as Codemasters in the buildup to the release, and whispering was had among those who held wonderful memories and stories of the racing days gone by. “This one might be a stinker,” said one of the righteous carpenters. “It looketh just like Toybox Turbos, and that was not much good either,” agreed the gluttonous fisherman.

But still hopes were high and the expectation was great for another game that bore the sacred Micro Machines logo. “It is Micro Machines, so it is guaranteed to be good!” cried Bartholomew, who remembered his days of destroying the competition on the Super Nintendo version of Micro Machines with Spider, and remembered fondly how particularly well he performed on the holy helicopter races. Zebedee agreed, and wondered if the nigh-impossible bonus Monster Truck races would return and if the wicked temptress Cherry would still be in the game.

And the software was released unto a baying flock of nostalgic sheep, and there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth. There followed a rapture where the gamers of Earth realised that the online mode was dead on arrival and that the game was incredibly limited in options and scopes and that the mechanics were fundamentally broken.

The players realised that the game was an icon of fear and evil, and there grew a powerful loathing and wrath against Micro Machines World Series. And Simon spat in disgust at the game he had been duped into buying, and taunted the game without mercy or fear:

“How you have fallen from heaven, Micro Machines, brother of Mario Kart! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the quirky tracks! You said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to the heavens; I will raise my throne above the stars of Wipeout; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of Mount Playstation. I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’ But you are brought down to the realm of the dead, to the depths of the pit. Those who see you stare at you, they ponder your fate: ‘Is this the game series who shook the earth and made F-Zero tremble, the game series who made the world a wilderness, who overthrew its cities and would not let its captives go home?'”

And the revered shepherd Amos turned to his flock and said “Lo, it is a miracle! There has come a new Micro Machines game which is toilet!” And the people of the town cried out and set off for the market and traded in the game in their droves.

Jesus wept.

14 March 2018

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