Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 3)
Apropos of absolutely nothing and demanded by nobody in particular, it’s the next eight entries in our Pub Fight Tier List, featuring more mice, more cats and more bishonen, whatever they are. There’s a few human beings in there as well, although when they have green skin or openly turn into male ninjas, you’re still going to get looks off the circling nutjobs…
18. DR. MARIO
If you’re running to get a doctor’s help, then that’s a bit like admitting you’ve already lost, hasn’t it? If there’s claret all over the floors, the walls, the windows, the Doctor’s white coat, then he’s already going to have his hands full helping others, as a dutiful doctor should. Aside from all that, I don’t know how Mario would have had the time to go to medical school. We know Mario is a bit of a strange fellow anyway, not really like the rest of us. Now he wants an excuse to see us naked? I’m not buying it. In fact, Dr. Mario seems far more likely to be the type that won’t even let you enjoy your pint, preferring to lecture you about the dangers of alcohol to your heart and your liver yadda yadda yadda. And then when things kick off, he’s a pacifist through and through. What use is that? He’s a nice guy, and that’s great, but when things become primal, you ally yourself with the Bowsers and Donkey Kongs, not lads like the Doc. It’s a shame that Dr. Mario can’t cut it, but there’s every possibility that he’ll bring Nurse Peach along for the night – so there’s that.
No, I don’t think so. What was Pichu even doing in a Smash Bros game anyway? We know Pokémon Gold/Silver/Crystal were the big men on Pokémon campus at the time Smash Bros Melee came out, but come on. Wasn’t Pikachu enough? Couldn’t we have had Machamp or some other madman instead? We already looked at big brother Pikachu and established that he was a bit of a softy. Well little Pichu here is weaker, less durable and quite literally self-harms anytime he has a go at somebody. It’s also shrill and annoying, so much so that if anything you’ve probably already glassed the thing yourself just to shut it up. And this is probably a good thing, since I’d sooner take on the bad boys by myself rather than have to carry some mouthy little fuzzball shooting nasty electricity off everywhere. Drown this rat as well.
Starfox players will know that having Falco by your side sort of invites its own problems. He’s a competent lad, and he won’t let you down (much) but by God is he proud of himself. You could be swinging out of six nutjobs at once in the middle of the bar brawl, but brush off Falco’s coat once and he’ll stop everything he’s doing and give you the cry “Hey Einstein, I’m on your side!”. Cue you getting absolutely panelled by some nutter that Falco could have easily stopped by booting his reflector at your attacker and thwarting his violent assault. Yeah, the best you can hope for from Falco is that he rescues you from peril in there, and then proceeds to alpha you about it for the rest of your life. Falco is stronger than he looks, has the pace, even has a shooter if he needs to, in addition to tank mastery and aerial combat ability and all of that. Let’s be frank, he’s probably been alpha-ing you all night anyway.
If we’re being brutally honest, Marth doesn’t much look like the type who’d be willing to accompany you down the Hairy Count or the Lamb and Flag – there’s probably a wholly different type of establishment this guy wants to head to, if you get my drift. He exclusively speaks Japanese as well, which presents all kinds of quirky cultural barriers. Have you ever tried sake? I haven’t, but if it’s anything like that wretched miso soup then I can’t be missing much. Have you ever tried that?! I sampled a bit of miso on three different occasions and each time I was left with a face like the lemon-chewing Shelbyville Homer in The Simpsons’ lemon tree episode. Absolutely vile. Back to Marth – he’s quick and nimble, when he needs to be… and he has a lengthy sword and a nifty Counter ability that lets him counterattack anything, even flying headbutts from Mad Johnner (23 stone and counting of pure muscle). And you never know, play your cards right and you may just pull.
22. YOUNG LINK
Eventually snubbed in favour of a cartoony, cat-like boy with an oversized head and an over-reliance on a silly baton, Young Link, who will be making a return in Smash Bros Ultimate, always struck me as a sort of feral child. When you hear adult Link giving it all the HYAARGH, EYAARGH etc in lieu of actual speech, you just put these down as heroic cries that befit his legendary status. But when Young Link is screaming basically the same things but with a much higher-pitched voice, you get the feeling that the boy is a bit like Gau from Final Fantasy VI. And in that game, despite being more beast than human, Gau packed a wallop. So too will Young Link, who easily did at least 50% of the work in Ocarina of Time (even if he did grant Ganondorf entry to exactly the place they were trying to keep him out of. Whoops!). With his sword skills, bow skills, and the fact that he downs a pint (albeit of milk) faster than any man on the premises, Young Link won’t be getting much guff coming his way. He may even pick you up Princess Ruto style and carry you out, in the unlikely event that you’re not double his bodyweight.
Simply put, if you’ve allied yourself with the King of Evil himself, then nobody is going to go near you. He’s a bit of a backstabbing menace though is Ganondorf, so you’ll most probably have your hands full just trying to keep him from banishing the entire pub to the realm of darkness before converting the snug into his own castle. But in terms of raw physical strength, Ganondorf can hardly be matched and he’s got enough evil magical power to make Voldemort’s teeth itch. He’s even got a 15-foot sword that he never has to use, for chrissake. And in times of actual trouble, he can turn into a humongous, ungodly pig-beast, a proper Lord of the Flies monster, and crush his enemies that way. At some point in the night, Ganondorf may even turn to you and give you the famous Godfather quote: “If by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.” Once you hear that, you’re golden. Just try not to accidentally give him the keys to the whole world, eh?
Everyone of a certain age will recognise Mewtwo as the most unstoppable Pokémon of all time. This might not cut as much ice with the hardnuts, but the kitty demonstrates enough mind-melting psychic powers to addle even their brains. Truth be told, Mewtwo never really did the biz in the Smash games. The feisty feline always seemed a bit finicky to handle, and a bit lacking in power. But you won’t be thinking that when he’s turning Mad Whacker Murphy upside down while flinging devilish balls of psychokinetic energy at “Concrete” Nolan. This Pokémon can even communicate with you via telepathy, in this case by telling you to “pull your socks up” any time a thrown bottle or pint glass comes your way. Taking all of this into account, we could all do with our own personal Mewtwo. Take over the pub? With this thing by your side, you could take over the world. Or Wetherspoons at least.
Heftier, more muscular and probably manlier than Marth, and still with not a word of English, Roy’s presence in the Super Smash Bros series (and therefore this tier list) just about gets a pass from the fans. As for the other 14 Fire Emblem characters, we’ll get to them later. Roy more or less does what Marth does, except less effectively. What’s interesting though is his ability to charge his sword for about 5 seconds before unleashing a localised pipe bomb in the place, devastating the entire pub and probably melting everyone’s face off. This includes your face as well, I’m sorry to say, but if you’re going down (and you probably will, because Roy isn’t that strong otherwise), then best not to let the opposition win as much, right? You might even spin it as a Pyrrhic victory.
26. MR. GAME AND WATCH
I’m going to take a bit of a liberty here and deal with Mr. Game & Watch as if he were just a very thin man, rather than a barely visible piece of paper that wouldn’t be able to do much damage beyond papercuts and shrill monophonic alarm noises. Now that he’s visible on a 3D plane, G&W doesn’t do so badly. For starters, he likes a gamble, and by using his risky Judgment move he may smash opponents right out of the tavern… or end up hurting the two of you instead. He can mysteriously store thrown barstools and save them as energy to unleash using his Oil Panic attack, and he’s got hammers, frying pans and turtles to use as blunt weapons. He can even morph into a giant octopus… he’s a curious lad, lovable and popular – but a trifle easily led. He also has no concept of right or wrong, being basically calculator spawn. You know what that means? The pub brawlers may take rather a shine to him, and suddenly your noisy partner will be your worst nightmare. Can you keep this old legend on your side?
To Be Continued!
13 March 2018