Super Smash Bros Pub Fight Tier List (Part 2)
I know all three of you have been eagerly awaiting the next eight answers to a question that absolutely nobody asked – how would all of the characters of the Super Smash Bros series help you out in that most dreadful of social situations, an almighty pub brawl? Probably most people would freak out and leave immediately if they saw you roll into the place with a giant penguin, or a green-skinned evil man, or a Yoshi, but for the sake of argument, here they are.
Another chappy with some bizarre characterisation over the years. The latest dope seems to be that Luigi is an utter coward, living in his brother’s shadow, and has absolutely no hope of making a name for himself. Another set of bad moves means that you’re probably going to be earning yourself quite a few right-handers and straighteners just defending the green machine and pulling him out of brawls, before you can even think about your own fight or flight… But if Luigi is extremely lucky (and he’s the pesky type of bugger that always seems to be), he may very well just be able to rocket yous out of there – or better still, Wavedash across the floor. Some say that Luigi’s Wavedashing on the dance floor has gotten the lovely Princess Daisy weak at the knees on more than one occasion. Your knees will be going pretty weak too once that hardnut smashes a wooden stool over your head, so if you’re up against it then grab a hold of Luigi’s dungarees and see if he can’t rocket the both of you out of the danger zone. Just don’t blame me if it all goes pear-shaped.
Notwithstanding the fact that this young man is so obviously underage that even the most rural of Irish pubs wouldn’t entertain his presence, Ness would be a pretty good companion to have alongside you once the punches fly. It’s got nothing to do with his incredible psychokinetic powers and far more to do with the fact that he possesses a ruddy great big baseball bat and it’s durable enough to go all night. It may not be as powerful as the fearsome Home Run Bat (SKREEE) but it’ll still knock the nutters silly and give you time to get out. At an absolute last resort, if you find yourself surrounded then he can employ his comically oversized head and get you out of lumber with a few well-thrown headbutts – as long as he doesn’t lose his trademark red cap. Just try to stop him from setting fire to the pub or dropping actual stars right on top of the roof and you’ll both be fine. He can even keep your clothes dry of thrown pints by absorbing the liquid with his PSI Magnet attack and using it for his own ends. An ace choice!
11. CAPTAIN FALCON
I just never know what to think of Falcon. On one hand you’d hold him up as some uber-masculine apex predator, the type who can walk into the place, scan the room quickly and pick out any babe he wants. And that’s probably the likely scenario, seeing as how he’s an immaculately rich racing driver and even moonlights as a bounty hunter, plus he has nipples of absolute steel and legs to match. On the other hand however, you have his downright goofy side where he squeals his attacks minutes before letting rip and otherwise trips and clumsily staggers about the place. Which Falcon will turn up to your pub brawl? It’s a mystery to rival the man himself. If nothing else though, if you’re in need of a particularly quick getaway he can call upon his F-Zero racing machine, the mighty Blue Falcon, and get you out of there before the authorities arrive and start asking awkward questions. But then, should you really drink and drive a 3000 KPH death machine?
Anyone with half a Smash brain knows that, despite appearances, Jigglypuff packs a bit of wallop. Just look into those crazy eyes and tell me that they aren’t capable of sheer murder. But we can’t let this bit of whimsy take us away from the fact that the thing is a literal balloon, and one shard of flying glass will burst your brawling buddy and leave you with only a bit of broken rubber to defend yourself – and broken rubbers aren’t exactly good for protection, are they? Jigglypuff can Pound a few foes here and there and she’s well capable of flying from one end of the pub carpark to the other, but that’s all flighty fancy talk. When the nutters congregate and your head is the next on the list to be caved in, you’ll need some pretty extreme luck if you’re gonna be saved at the last minute by a wild Jigglypuff Rollout from halfway across the room. Worse still, if a Smash Ball squeezes out from the till and she grabs it, she’ll simply puff up and up and up until she fills the room, potentially crushing or suffocating everyone in it. So at best your pink pal will be a discarded johnny, and at worst it’ll be death by puff. Not great options are they?
Another double-edged sword here. First of all, you’d better believe that when you bring the Princess down the local, she’s not going to be content with any of your 3 quid pints – it’ll be the most expensive gin on the menu, or champagne even, and you’re not going to let her pay, are you? But the real problem lies thus – when the punches start flying, you, the gormless male suitor, must play one of two roles: firstly, you can try to stand up and fight on her behalf. Sounds quite masculine, but what if you get immediately sparked out and she has to grab you and float you out of the pub? You can forget about that second date, to say the least. Alternatively, you can recognise the fact that this crazy lady has frying pans, tennis rackets and golf clubs at a moment’s notice, and she ain’t afraid to swing them at hapless assailants, before following up with a few evil turnips. She can float about the place and even cut a swathe through hardnuts with her umbrella. And if someone decides to forfeit their freedom and land themselves a life sentence by swinging for the Princess of the realm, she can pull out a long-suffering Toad bodyguard and have him take the blow. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you’re the alpha male here – just let Peach take you into her bosom and watch her do her thing.
An incredible choice, and it’s not hard to see why. First of all, Bowser commands an entire army. Now this army is usually swiftly defeated or even outright ignored by Mario (or on other occasions, the likes of Yellow Toad) but Bowser still has the strength of personality to command respect among all kinds of fiends. So if it’s all kicking off in the pub, the goons and lags are probably all answerable to Bowser anyway. When the punches start flying, they’ll be looking to Bowser for a clue, put it that way. And Bowser himself will then look at you as if to say, “What do you fancy pal? Will we have a pagger or will I get these clowns to stop?” That’s the kind of command this beast exerts. But he’s not all just shouts and loud noises, because he’s got claws, spikes, fire and flying suplexes and Rock Bottoms to do the talking for him as well. I reckon the next Mario game should just be a load of lads down the pub, a big pub rammy, and in the end, Mario loses (badly) and Bowser is the supreme victor – and what’s more, he goes home with the Princess. They don’t come more alpha than this thing. And if he dresses up in a debonair wedding suit… watch out.
15. ICE CLIMBERS
Every pub has at least one resident weirdo, and they’re usually identified by their parka jacket which they refuse to take off under any circumstances – possibly because upsetting the balance of the jacket even slightly would result in all manner of Class A drugs spooling out onto the floor. The Ice Climbers, Popo and Nana, similarly refuse to part with their parkas, but they have good reason considering they spend all day and night scaling massive icy mountains. This gives you a bit of a clue as to how tough and resilient they are. Not only that, they’re quite useful with hammers, and when the two get together they can cause massive damage in a very short space of time. Bring one or preferably both of the Ice Climbers to your next pub riot, load them up with a few hot chocolates each and see how you get on. They’re usually pretty peaceful folks, but can quite literally freeze opposing nutters to death at the drop of a hat. Take that, jailbird!
When we get on to Ganondorf’s role in a pub rammy, we’ll see that he’s a man to be feared. But maybe the King of Evil isn’t so powerful after all, if courageous Link and the wise Princess Zelda here can defeat him again and again. Early doors, the Smash series cried out for female representation. Melee delivered somewhat, though Zelda is far more notable for turning into another character under a male guise, who we’ll be dealing with in a mo. As for Zelda herself, well… unless she’s got a few Light Arrows to hand, she’s not exactly going to be overpowering the nutters, even with explosive magic and warps and all that game. She seems a bit more demure than Peach as well, so you’ll probably not even be able to get her tipsy. This saves you a fortune, of course, but where’s the fun, the foolishness, the frivolity? So you’ll have to embarrass yourself somewhat by constantly ordering waters, well within earshot of disbelieving, pintsinking punters who are far bigger than you – bad news.
It could be further bad news for you still when your Princess date, whose arse has already been gawked at by burly dockers some 407 times that evening, suddenly turns into a man. But, as if intending to send sexist waves rippling through the sea of wokeness, the developers of Smash Bros elected to make Zelda fairly weak and Sheik a bit of a badass. You’ll hardly even see him/her/hir as he/she/xe crashes through the pub, blinding enemy suckas with needles and throwing kicks at any stragglers. Sheik is as close to a ninja as you’ll get in a western pub, notwithstanding the possibility of a deranged psycho coming in with his own samurai sword, which happens depressingly often around my way. Far less important than this here Pub Fight Tier List is the competitive battling tier list – but the professional Smash wags tell me that Sheik is a high roller when it comes to competitive viability. Would Zelda get offended if you turned around to her in the middle of your night out and asked her to turn into a man?
To Be Continued!
26 February 2018